Caught In A Trap

It must be made of glass.

I lay my hands on it. It feels cold. Too cold.

I can get out easily. I push on it. The wall quivers then moves with an Earth shaking rumble. But it moves towards me. They all move around me.

Suddenly the space is too small. Desperation creeps in. It must be made of glass. Of course I can break free. I can get out. I pound on the wall until my fists are raw and pulsing with impact. But the walls only close in.

The air is tight. My screams do not linger. Snuffed out like a bare hand over a candle.

How did I get here? Did I willingly walk in? Was I placed? Was I violently thrown in without my knowledge? I was aware wasn’t I?

It only seemed like glass…

I can’t get out. The futility pounds my head as I hear glass shattering. Only the glass wasn’t outside. It was within the small, empty space in the centre of my chest.

Well Liked

Probably one of the hardest things about the human experience is liking someone who doesn’t like you back.

I think everyone at one point or another will experience this in their lifetime.

You meet someone – friends, family, special someone, whoever, that you really adore. They’re great! They’re fun, cool, nice, smart, funny, etc etc. Insert your favourite adjectives here. You want to spend a lot of time with them, tell them they’re great, do things for them, you like it when they’re happy, hate it when they’re sad, you like the feeling they give you. You like how happy they make you. The world is a better place because they’re in it.

Unfortunately…. You don’t light up their world.

They’re just not that into you. They don’t really want to see you all the time, they don’t really want to hear about your day, hear about your feelings, they don’t think you’re great. They think you’re fine. They like you, sure! But you’re not well-liked. You’re not liked as much as you like them. They’re your friend/family/significant other, but sometimes you’re left feeling not as appreciated.

And that’s pretty hard to deal with.

This isn’t to say the other person is terrible or mean or unappreciative. They just don’t like you as much as you like them. And that’s fine. People are all different (as cliche as that sounds).

It’s especially hard when it’s someone who you used to be close to who you thought liked you just as much but over time they became distant and seemed to care less. But how you feel hadn’t changed

It’s just a rough experience.

Sometimes it feels like maybe if you change the way you are they would like you better. And that never really works out well. There’s no real point to that. You can only be who you are. So you kind of box on and deal with it. You care about them and that won’t change because they don’t care about you that much. You’re not likely to give them up because you get the same happiness from them being in your life. And that’s important.

There’s no real way to deal with this except acceptance. But it should make you aware of others in your life who you may not realise you don’t like as much as they seem to like you. And that’s bound to happen too.

Because people are bound to like you. A lot. You’re likely to be very well-liked. But maybe you don’t necessarily feel that way about everyone who likes you. But knowing how that feels, I guess it’s important to be aware of those people. And try to do something to show you appreciate them. Maybe never as much as they appreciate you, but something small can make a lot of difference. And that’s very important.

Still Waiting…

Does anyone else feel like they’re still waiting for things to get better?

Remember how we were all like “YES BRING ON 2021 GOODBYE 2020 THINGS WILL BE SO MUCH BETTER!!” ?

Has anyone gotten what they were expecting?

I don’t think I have.

NZ is still flitting in and out of lockdown, still waiting on the vaccine, still has closed borders to the rest of the world. People still making noise about masks, still seeing covid news everywhere, still not improved.

Personally, I feel like the other things in my life have also not improved as I had hoped. It’s March already. ALREADY.

I have been studying. I am planning to sit my physicians college exams in 2022. Yep you really do have to start studying a year early. There really is that much content.

But it’s more than that. I guess I was hoping beyond hope that something would change.. you know?

Like I would experience something new, people would understand me better, I would understand people better, I would come in to my role as a registrar and it would feel different and I would feel different… just…something.

I thought at least things would feel more.. fixed. More sure? I guess? But everything is still as fluffy as it always was. Every time there is a disagreement or confusion, everything seems so broken and without solution. And it continues to feel this way. I’m not sure what I was hoping for.

Ahh what a bleak train of thought. But seriously, shouldn’t something have happened by now?

I’m not sure.. But I’m still waiting…

The Last Day Of 2020

So I thought about writing my annual year in review post. But I’m struggling to do so. Can Anyone really write a good summary post about 2020? Probably not. Mostly because it seems like the perils of 2020 are not yet over.

I usually say there’s always something to be grateful for every year. I guess that’s true. I mean, this year I thought was going to be awful for a bunch of other reasons. But as it turned out, that stuff was less awful and kind of turned out okay as collateral damage to the whole covid business.

Some things were broken beyond repair this year. But other things were built. Nobody has ever had an experience quite like this around the world. It was unique. It brought people together in a way while also ripping them apart. Lockdown was hard. Working through it in hospital for me was hard. But I imagine it would have been way harder for people at home.

For me personally, stuff happened this year that kind of broke who I thought I was. And the relationships I have with others. But there were also times that solidified who I am and certain relationships.

But I hadn’t achieved any personal goals this year. I had a few of them. I had visions to improve certain aspects of my life. But all is not lost. As always, when things don’t turn out the way you want them to, they inevitably turn out the way they’re meant to. And at the end of the day, that will be what was best for you and everyone. Even if it doesn’t seem that way at the time.

I believe that.

So. Going forward, I can’t really picture 2021 being loads better. Because as we all know, this covid thing hasn’t yet gone away. Of course there is the vaccine which gives lots of people hope. Myself included. But in the time that it takes for most of the world’s population to be vaccinated or immune, things will be rather different. Travel will take a long time to go back to how it was.

But we can surely hope it will be better in that everyone is prepared for these changes. And everyone, will go with the flow. As will I.

So on the last day of 2020, I decided to do my favourite thing – watch the sunset. May the setting sun on the last day of 2020 bode well for the sunrise of 2021

I Wish For Understanding

Don’t know how to start or talk about this. I just wish for understanding. I wish someone would understand me.

I wish I would be able to understand myself

I didn’t get the jobs my family wanted me to get. I am relieved by that which makes me guilty. It makes them sad. I don’t want to make them sad. But I don’t want to go along with their plans.

Some part of me wants a happy family. But I don’t want to give up what I have.

I’m averse to change. That’s wrong. But there are some things I yearn for.

I threw myself into my work. I find happiness in it. I find solace it. The little annoying things are part of what makes it.

I threw myself into work and career to escape the gaps in the rest of my life. Now I can’t give up what I have because it’s become too great a part of me.

I did the same for some people in my life. They’ve become too great a part in my life. I can’t give that up.

But they tell me they like me because I understand them. I make them feel good.

But it never occurs to anyone that I want to be understood too. That I want to feel good.

Nobody seems to get it.

My chest often feels heavy with too much emotion. Guilt, regret, fear, love, sadness, loneliness.

I imagine telling someone about my thoughts, but I keep hearing them feeling sorry for me. Not really understanding me.

But then I break down and actually try to tell someone but they often don’t have enough time to reply or are caught up in their own feelings. And I feel guilty for burdening them.

I want things I shouldn’t want. I do and say things as though I already have those things. But then I get angry when people don’t confine to the things I want or think I have. And that makes me angry. I’m punishing someone else for an idea I created in my own head. I’m trying to sabotage it myself.

I don’t know what I’m doing

I look at myself and I don’t know what I’m doing next. I don’t know what I’m doing now. I want to stop feeling this way but I don’t know what I have to do when virtually everything scares me.

I don’t understand.

I wish for understanding.

In My Head

People always talk about a utopia/dystopia whereby you could read other people’s minds or people would say exactly what they’re thinking to everyone every single moment of every day

People talk about this being ideal and not ideal for various different reasons

But lately I feel like the only thing worse than the scenario above is when I am genuinely trying to convey my feelings and the truth as best as I know how, and the people around me either don’t listen, don’t believe, or don’t want to understand.

You’d think the challenge would be trying to get someone to tell you what they’re feeling. Not having people not wanting to hear what you’re feeling.

Feel like I’m just another one of these clowns at an arcade. Being hit on the head, told to get back in my hole when I try to say something about my feelings

Pedantics and Quirks

I’ve got a lot of thoughts buzzing in my head today. Not all of them good. But somehow I got into thinking about weird quirks I have and things I’m pedantic about.

When someone says “Thanks” instead of “Thank you” to something quite significant and something that was actually quite thoughtful, it seems less than adequate. I have no idea what the singular form of “Thank” and the addition of “you” has, but it means more to me when some says thank you, rather than just Thanks.

I also sometimes have issue with people saying “no worries” (must be a NZ/Aus thing) instead of the conventional “you’re welcome” or “anytime!”. When I say a genuine thank you to show how grateful I am, “no worries” feels so impersonal and like it’s being brushed off.

But nothing bothers me more than “I’m sorry”. Nothing seems more pointless than these 2 words. I’m willing to bet 9/10 times someone has said this to me, they 100% did not mean it. And I can tell because their actions hardly ever show that they’re actually filled with any amount of “sorrow”. Maybe a new variation? “I feel much sorrow over what I have said/done”…. meh. Still not feeling it.

When people don’t thank you/show a gesture of a hand when you let them pass into your lane or give them way to cross. I don’t know. It’s like the trolley theory (look it up if you haven’t heard of it). Nobody is going to tell you off for not doing it, but whether you’re a good enough person to show gratitude for small gestures or not, can be worked out from something like this.

When people don’t reply. Not just being left on seen, etc. Everybody has a problem with that. I mean more when someone messages me and I reply in 0.1 seconds but then they take the next 24h to say “okay” or something equally insignificant. People don’t give enough credit for the demons in another person’s head.

Lack of empathy. Specifically, if you KNOW something would definitely bother you if it happened to you, why on EARTH do you think it’s acceptable to do it to someone else? Like why. Why.

WHY

Don’t know. Too late in the night for any of these thoughts to end anywhere constructive.

Feel free to disagree with any of the above. It’s all probably not any big deal at all. But these are my quirks and things I’m pedantic about.

The Burnout Ended

Finally my week off arrived! And let me tell you, it was a long time coming.

Prior to my week off I had a set of night shifts which were pretty awful and draining. Made me worry a bit for the coming years and whether I would even have the energy for night shifts. It’s just not natural. Eugh.

But something else that happened in the weeks leading up to my week off is that I was asked to step up to be a registrar 2months earlier than everyone else.

Our employers in Auckland, being as useless with admin as they usually are, realised much too late that they do not have enough medical registrars for the coming year and especially for the transition period in November. So their last-ditch attempt was to ask those of us who are going to be registrars in February, to start in December. I was one of them.

Initially the whole thing freaked me out because I was still in my burnout spell and I didn’t think I could tolerate more responsibility and a more difficult roster (being a registrar is nothing glamorous, let me tell you.) So I was super scared. Every one I talked to thought I was ready. Except me.

I didn’t quite know what I should do but I kept telling myself it’s the burnout talking. Because I knew I wanted to be a reg and I knew if I did it early, my senior regs who I know and who like me will still be around to support me before they move on to their next rotation. So that’s a bonus.

But on the other hand, it was more responsibility when others at my level were still House officers and I sure as hell won’t get the week of leave I had asked for around Christmas time and what if I screw up? How do I just step up early?

Well as someone who just recently read The Subtle Art of not giving a f*ck, I guess the answer to that question is, you just do it. If you haven’t read that book, I recommend it. Helped me through my burnout stages.

I guess the point is I knew I was gonna do this so I guess, just do it. (In the most non-Nike way possible).

There was no real point to being scared. I mean of course I have to be a bit scared and make sure I do a good job and not screw up, but there’s no point in being so scared that I go backwards from progress that I need to have.

So anyway, during my week off, I reflected, and agreed to go ahead and take the job starting in December. Only time will tell how thing shall turn out.

I went to Tauranga on my week off, a city in the East Coast of the North Island. Famous for the beaches and nature trails. Climbed up a mountain and took some pics as I do.

It’s been a good week off. Much needed, tried to be productive, reflective, get back into photography, reading, writing and being some version of happy.

And the weather was just gorgeous! Here are some pictures of the Tauranga coastline from Mt. Maunganui

What A Wonderful World..

I was talking to a friend I hadn’t spoken to in a while, today. She is a good friend when I need someone and I miss her every now and then. One of these people with whom you can just pick up where you left off.

Catching up on her life, she told me she had recently been feeling low. I asked her why and she told me that it was because she had met a guy through an app a few months ago. She had been very taken with him. They had talked for a month and been on a couple of dates and things seemed good.

But then one day….POOF

He became a ghost. Not a ghost like it would have been understood 5-10 years ago where he died and had some unfinished business and came back to haunt someone.

No, more like a ghost of these days where you’re just a prick that stopped replying, stopped interacting and kind of left things up in the air in terms of your relationship with someone. Virtually.

I made a similar post like this a couple of years ago. But Goddam. I just don’t get it these days.

I’m not that old, but I still remember a time when people would actually talk things out. If you’re angry, upset, not feeling it, have a CONVERSATION and have it out so both parties can have closure. Don’t leave one person hanging just because you don’t want to deal with the awkward conversation.

I’m a big fan of talking. I mean surely we didn’t evolve into beings with the ability to create a bunch of complex languages (or be given that ability by God, if that’s what you believe) to waste our lives with buttons like “block” “unfollow” or even tiny emojis that could literally mean a million different things.

And why on EARTH is it actually affecting us?

My friend is a lot like me. She was tired of things being up in the air so she actually contacted the guy and asked him what was happening, if he was okay, etc. He skirted around the whole thing, didn’t really engage and went back to ghosting. He also made some comment towards the end that she “shouldn’t take things so seriously”…………….. Tosser.

We live in a world now where wanting to communicate directly, is somehow vilified. We make jokes and memes about people not wanting to answer the phone and talk to each other and we call out people who want that directness from the people close to them.

If you call someone in the middle of a text conversation that’s going nowhere, that phone call is so unlikely to be answered. If you repeatedly text someone asking for a clear answer, you’re “dramatic”, “crazy” and “taking things too seriously”

Why can’t you be like everyone else and just move on once you’ve been ghosted or take the hint that the other person doesn’t want to talk?

We’re literally growing up and raising a generation of people that shy away from actual confrontation, from real committment and everything that comes with it. That means having difficult conversations, actually putting in time for each other. And just honest-to-goodness respect for another human being.

And it’s ludicrous that people actually do experience pain from “being left on seen” or “unfollowed” or “unmatched”. Why have we come to a time where virtual cutting out equals real life rejction?

No wonder mental health issues are on the rise. It is so easy these days to get away with not sharing your feelings or dealing with conflicts. All those bottled up feelings have to give at some point. And it’s so easy to turn it on someone else for not fitting that mould and calling them “extra” or “overthinking” or “mad” because you didn’t want to have that conversation.

Really. What a wonderful world.