I’m Fine

I’m fine. Totally fine. It’s no big deal.

It’s not upsetting or stressful.

It’s fine. 

I can’t do anything about it. So why shouldn’t I be fine?

I should be.

I am.

It’s gonna be okay. It’s gonna pass. 

It has to.

You Know You’re Old When

You go out and buy yourself a birthday present

Yay new watch! I decided I have finally grown out of using digital watches. It was a big decision. But I made it. And I know I’m old.

You know you’re old when you feel like an arcade is too noisy and you can’t stay there for more than 20 minutes

You know you’re old when bumper cars give you neck pain

You know you’re old when you get sleepy at your own birthday event around 10:30pm.

Haha. I had a great birthday. No really. Some friends in India with little children took me out to dinner and the arcade. Where I engaged in air hockey, shooting hoops and bumper cars like I was age 12. 

They then insisted on buying me a cake and making me cut it. 

Their little 4 year old boy  whispered into his mother’s ear that he wanted to get me a chocolate for my birthday, and made me close my eyes so he could surprise me with it.

I haven’t had a birthday celebration quite like this in years. It was brilliant and special even though I was miles away from home.

Friends from home wished me too. Overall it was an awesome day! 

How Old Are You

Well. It looks like the Earth has nearly made another rotation around the sun 23 years since I was born.

People keep asking me how old I’m turning this year. Which is fine except it always takes me a few seconds to answer them. I just don’t keep track.

Or maybe because I don’t feel like I’m 23. Obviously because Taylor Swift doesn’t have a song for 23 and so I’d much rather be 22.

Nah. It’s just. Same thing as last year I suppose. The pressure is on to have achieved a lot by this point in life. I’m still in Med school. Woop. People in my class are getting married, having kids, owning houses even.

I say Blech to all of that.

I can barely own my emotions. I can’t stand the company of people for more than a few of hours, and kids frighten me.

I just don’t think I’m mature.

Although now I think I’m not really expected to be. I kind of have one of those “plan” things for the next 2 years in terms of where I should work, etc. That, to me is a BIG achievement. But I am aware every plan is subject to change. I mean, I’m not so naïve as to think everything will work out how I want it to.

Ah. How mature of me.

I’m just a bit tired of life to be honest. I mentioned that it’s really hard to be in your 20s. I’m feeling it a lot these days. How I wish I could quit life and go live on Mars or something. I just cannot be bothered facing the day every day, waiting for something to happen, but it doesn’t. Watching friends move on to bigger and better things and accepting that I’ll see less and less of them soon, dealing with people who are these so called “colleagues” who have a whole different set of rules as to how to deal with them. Like no they’re not your friends. No, they don’t care about how your day is going. They just want you to do whatever it is they need, and they’ll say everything you want to hear to make that happen because they’re sizing you up too.

Blechhh

I’m just not cut out for the fakeness the workforce demands. That’s another big reason I don’t feel old enough to be a 23 year old.

I gotta have thick skin right? Gotta be used to how the world works and not let it affect me. But I just don’t think I can.

Anger is a big poison for me. I get angry at people quite easily. Angry at how they talk to each other and treat each other. Angry when they care so little about things like doing their job right. Angry when they’re so obviously fake.

And the worst part is, I see those opportunists around me who are all those things I mentioned above, but they know how to play the game and they put themselves ahead. Meanwhile, I get angry and probably get left behind. You gotta be that kind of person to get ahead apparently.

Err. This is probably something I’ll get over when I’m 30 right? 40? 65?

Oh God I do not want to have to deal with people for that long.

I bet I sound like a cynical 50 year old right now. Saying I hate people and wanting to live somewhere on my own. But it’s not all bad. Truly there are some awesome people in the world and life has some great aspects.

I’m just in a not so great stage of it I think.

As Ed Sheeran says: I’m well aware of certain things that will destroy a man like me. But with that said, give me one more.

Really liking that song.

Oh birthday plans! Didn’t talk about those! Probably because I don’t have any. I’m in another continent from the people I usually hang out with for my birthday. This year I’ll be at the rural hospital on my birthday, seeing patients. And then maybe I’ll get some cake or something. Or I’ll reward myself with a lot of sleep.

Living the wild life, Abracadabra

 

On The Spot

I’ve always wondered how I would react in a situation in the community where something happens that needs medical attention. I’d heard from some friends who had experienced such situations. 

They had either pretended they weren’t medical students or they had risen to the challenge somehow and at least made sure the person ended up in a hospital for further care.

I had my situation today. Far far away from home. 

On the way to the hosp on my elective in India, I saw two motorbikes fallen over and 3 people on the ground. One of them was a man who was already getting up and helping the two girls. One of the girls looked fine and she stood up with help. The other girl however, lay on her back, crying, clutching her left leg. 

At this point I stopped and thought I should do something to help. Scary thing that. Realising that you’re actually in a position that gives you the responsibility to stop and help. I felt hideously unprepared.

Anyway I approached the girl on the ground and my immediate thought was oh my goodness should I introduce myself as a doctor? Because I wasn’t one. But if I didn’t, they’d think I was just a bystander and not really cooperate. 

But I couldn’t stand there and have this internal conflict. I looked for any evidence of fracture or bleeding, etc in that leg. After going through the whole DRSABCD acronym that they’ve drilled into us. By this time a lot of ppl were on the scene and the girl was helped up and she could walk. Yay no fracture. Yay no bleeding. 

My expert advice was to take her to the nearest hospital. Something many others had already figured out. A TukTuk pulled up and the girl hobbled over into it. I tried to comfort her as best as I could and told her she didn’t have a fracture. But she needs to be in a hospital to assess her leg further. She was still in tears and didn’t want me pampering her knee at all. This is probably when the magic words “I’m a doctor” would have helped. 

But I couldn’t do it.

Okay I don’t know why. Yes because it’s the truth, but not saying so probably indicates a lack of confidence in my abilities. Because I’m nearly done. I should be able to handle things like this. I should be able to be a doctor. Nothing major is going to change when I get my degree soon. I’m essentially all done with my training. 

So I suppose I did have an element of lack of confidence.

It ultimately ended well because the girl was okay and I helped a bit I think. 

But if there is a next time, I gotta be more confident. Hopefully that’ll come when I’m put on the spot.

Off To Elective

Alrighty! I’m here in India!

Coimbatore, to be precise. A city in the southern part of India. Here I am to do my 8 weeks in a hospital in rural medicine and Emergency medicine.

So. Why’d I choose this place? Well it’s a developing country. It’s what uni recommends to do on your elective. Go to a developing country and learn about the health system there! That’s what I intended to do. I’ve also been to Coimbatore before, So I’m familiar with the city and the hospitals. I figured this would help me get into the system straight away without too many new place barriers. And I was sure I’d see so many different things.

So I got here. Met my supervisor who is a 70 year old woman, still practising medicine. Which for me was a big shock. Like sure I admire her drive and commitment to medicine even at this age but Gosh I would not want to keep my brain going for that long. 

Anyway she was really lovely. And unlike my selective last year (if you remember, where I found my supervisor was on a holiday and I never met him), she was on to planning my 8 weeks straight away. She took a genuine interest in my learning and said that because I’m the only student at this hospital, I can pretty much see whatever I want, and she would organise it for me. 

Major advantage, that. As opposed to going to a hospital somewhere where there are a lot of other students to compete with to see interesting things, I like being the only one given these opportunities. 

I also think I’ve picked a good hospital in terms of patients. While they all have different pathologies etc, they all speak English! Which was super impressive. I was fully prepared to have to take histories in Tamil (the language here), but it turns out that may not be as hard as I thought! So yay!

The plan for the next 8 weeks is quite varied. My supervisor is more keen than I am to get me to see as many things as possible. While my focus will be on rural medicine and ED, she also wants me to spend time with her in geriatrics, put me in neurology, nephrology, and anything else I want to experience. 

How neat is that!

I think it’s also good for my short attention span because I get tired of runs pretty quickly. 6 weeks can often be a very long time, as I’ve said lots of times before. Hopefully the variation in these 8 weeks will make that a lot easier!

So. First days are always first days like. Getting lost in hospital, making awkward conversations with the other doctors, smiling a lot without much reason, etc. But I do expect it to get easier. As most runs have.

Will keep updating! For now, I gotta go meet my supervisor! 

Good Intentions

When you decide to do something just because you thought it would be the right thing to do and you took certain things and people into account to do that thing, but it ends up blowing up in your face and you’re left feeling like you’ve done something wrong but you don’t know what..

Yeah. That kinda sucks.

But then I know I didn’t do it out of any bad intentions. I know I didn’t do it because I didn’t care about other things.

So I shouldn’t care right?

Well I mean. I have to care. But I suppose I shouldn’t feel yucky. Right? 

It’s no big deal. 

Right?