So I just finished 3 weeks of my immunology rotation. I knew zero information about immunology before starting this rotation and now I know a little bit more than that.
Anyway! I had a consultant on this rotation who I had briefly during my general medicine rotation. He’s also an immunologist. Who knew!
He is without a doubt, the nicest, most down to earth consultant I had ever seen in any specialty. He’s always ready to help literally anyone with any issue, regardless of their position in the hierarchy.
He is extremely respected as a consultant by his department. He’s just generally nice and funny and smart.
I have massive respect for him too. Not only does he teach and answer my questions clearly and lets me see patients in his clinic, but he also acknowledges my presence wherever and whenever he sees me. Even when I am on a ward round with a different team. If he walks past, he waves and smiles sincerely.
Which, I can say from 6 years of experience, is a Huge deal.
Anyway the point of this topic is that for some reason, he seems to think I’m great.
Now. I’ve mentioned before that I’m awful at receiving compliments and basically not good at being given any attention at all. Dr. AJ (This consultant), told me I’m really good and it’s been a pleasure working with me in both general medicine and immunology.
Err as great as it was to hear that, it immediately made me 10 times as nervous around him.
Okay I don’t know what it is, but if someone likes me and gives me compliments like that, I feel like they have these expectations of me that I’ve got to live up to.
Which makes me super nervous because I have no idea what I’ve done to have these expectations of me.
I still think I’m pretty average.
Yes I realise this is probably a self-esteem issue but whenever I realise that someone seems to think I’m good at something, (specifically something I don’t believe I’m necessarily great at), I start freaking out a little bit.
Which is the last thing I should do because it’ll make me overthink everything and make mistakes. And it also seems to manifest as this weird giggly version of me. It’s very bizarre when I get compliments I get uncomfortable to the point where I think the best thing to do is laugh it off.
It’s really not the best thing.
Giggling like a 5 year old is hardly what you want from someone you just told was extremely professional or intelligent or whatever.
Oh God is this one of things I have to hope will go away with time?
I seem to have a long list of those particular traits. I’m starting to worry they won’t just go away with time. Blechh.
Anyway that’s my self reflection.
Point is though I’m super grateful to have met Dr. AJ and so grateful I was able to impress him, even though I’m not too sure what I did.