Measure Up

I thought I was moving up. 

But I’m really only following lines in the sand. 

It gave me joy. Every rung I climbed, the feeling that I was enough..

But when I looked down, the pit was there. 

Within my reach. Waiting to swallow me whole. Just as easily. 

As though I meant nothing. 

I wonder if I would ever measure up. 

I thought my ruler was bigger than yours. 

But we’re measuring different things. 

Always out of step. 

My ladder turns to dust. And I am falling. 

Maybe if my ruler matched yours, I would move up. 

But at the top, I know I wouldn’t be me. 

My ruler is simply lines in the sand. 

But I will keep climbing. 

For that feeling. 

I Fear..

I was having a conversation with someone I know about fears. This person made a comment that I was quite cynical about things (well duh). She then told me her biggest fear was ending up alone. Which I found a bit cliche really.

She asked me what my biggest fear was. I’m not that close with this girl so of course I didn’t tell her the truth. I gave her an equally cliche feminist answer “I fear being stifled” or something to that effect. If she had known me better, she would have known I am not a feminist and I was lying. But no matter. She didn’t realise, and I moved on.

But I want to talk about it on here. Mostly because I know you guys won’t judge me and it doesn’t affect me much if you do.

I’d have to say in my small amount of life experience in 23 years, I had feared the dark when I was very young. Later on I feared losing the people closest to me.

Now I’d say my biggest fear is ending up with someone, or being surrounded by several someones who do not understand me and do not even like me. The dark doesn’t seem so bad.

I’ve said people bother me. It’s a lot to do with me though, I’m sure of that because people always tell me “the world is perceived in your image” which loosely translates to you’ll only get what you want to get. If I’m a bit weird, I’ll be surrounded by people whom I find weird. And that’s true. I tell people openly that I don’t like people for too long, (though there are exceptions), that I can’t put up with certain traits people have, and I’m certain everyone I know has disappointed me in some way.

Everyone is aware of these things to a certain extent I suppose, but I think it’s a bit supercharged in me. And here’s where the problem is.

The 20s theme arises again. Lately people have been telling me a lot about how I should be in a relationship or I should look forward to getting married, etc. I wish I could tell them all to collectively get lost. But I’m a decent person and so I nod politely.

I’ve grown up in a system where families decide who you end up with. Sounds primitve does it not? “arranged marriage” is what they used to call it. It’s probably hard for some of you to imagine. It’s not exactly marrying a total stranger like they show in movies though. You know them to a certain extent, but it’s more like here’s a person, this is their job, this is what they look like, their family and where they live. Sound okay? Let’s give it a go.

Nope. Anope. ANOPE.

I cannot accept this. A person’s personality matters so much to me. And the little things about them. This system means you could end up with a total slob who never spring cleans. And you wouldn’t know until a few months of already being married. I would go insane.

My family tells me it’s the “right way” though. And divorce rates are much lower with this system. Um actually that’s because society would still shun you if you left your spouse. Yeah that’s still a real thing.

But it’s more than that. I don’t want someone to “put up” with me. I would hate that. I want a person to genuinely like things about me enough to outweigh my annoying features. How could you do that from reading about me on a profile?? It makes no sense.

I suppose you’re wondering why I don’t just start dating.

Because that’s frowned upon too. Even more primitive. But also, I don’t believe in dating either. Because I think you can never know a person completely regardless of how long you’ve known them before you get married.

Can you see my rock and hard place? I couldn’t deal with the drama that would ensue if I decided to find someone on my own. Both with my family and possible heartbreak of dating someone who isn’t right. But I’m crippled with fear of ending up like every married couple I know hating each other and reminding each other of the mistake they made every day.

My only hope is that someone perfect magically comes along and falls in love with me.

Yeah right. Why don’t I just book my flying pig now too? >__>

I don’t want to have to doubt how much someone cares about me. Or if they’re just in it because they have to be. That’s a horrible feeling. And that’s my biggest fear.

In view of all of this, I am literally so much better on my own.

Hectic Real Quick

I do apologise for my absence for the last two-ish weeks. Things got hectic real quick.

Let me outline it for you. Last I spoke, was about paediatrics. That’s over so yay! Made some good connections. I expressed my interest in pursuing gastroenterology as a specialty and one of the nice consultants took me on to do a project. Specifically,  a case report.

Good thing about a case report is that it’s likely to get published. Buuuut it’s not exactly a “research project” so I’ll probably have to do an actual project later on.

Yeah the requirement to join the gastroenterology program is to have done a research project in gastroeneterology. I’ve got time though. And a case report is still neat. So I’ve been working on that.

Straight after paediatrics, began Psychiatry. I am placed this year, not in Mason clinic, but in a community facility. Which is interesting enough. I do find psychiatry interesting, psychiatrists themselves are weird, as usual. One of my consultants is really nice, the other uses 3 different e-cigarettes constantly in a pattern I call, “chain-vaping”. I doubt it’s really much of a step up from actual cigarettes.

Anyway! Psychiatry this year is very stressful because I have a practical exam at the end of the rotation where I take a psychiatric history from an actor and present it according to the DSM 4. Good old DSM 4 with its pages and pages of criteria but still managing to make the conditions fluffy and not really any easier to distinguish between. Sigh. So I have been cramming as much A B C criteria for the diagnoses as possible. Not. Fun.

I was also given my rotations for my first house officer year in these past weeks. They will be as follows:

Psychiatry (oh my God when will it end)
Gen med (Good. Good learning, useful, mhmm)
Cardiology (Interesting, should be fun)
General Surgery (Not looking forward to. Lots of admin, but if I do it now, never have to do another surgical rotation again so yay!)

I didn’t really want this combination, but pretty much all the combinations were pretty lame and at least I don’t have to do any runs I really dislike like orthopaedics or geriatrics. So good stuff!

In other news, my mood has been quite low lately. No particular reason that I can mention. My right brain playing up maybe. But life seems a bit bleh these days.

I wonder if I have some watered down form of bipolar disorder. But where a person with bipolar disorder would have a mood pattern that looks a bit like this;

Sketch (1)

Mine, looks more like this:

Sketch (2)

Yes I’m a whiner at the moment. I don’t have bipolar disorder and frankly my problems are no where near that substantial. They have it hard. I’m just complaining about something that isn’t there. I should get over myself. I guess it’s just a first world thing.

So yes, that’s what has been keeping me busy lately. Blogging helps, as always. Hope everyone else has been doing great!