I Fear..

I was having a conversation with someone I know about fears. This person made a comment that I was quite cynical about things (well duh). She then told me her biggest fear was ending up alone. Which I found a bit cliche really.

She asked me what my biggest fear was. I’m not that close with this girl so of course I didn’t tell her the truth. I gave her an equally cliche feminist answer “I fear being stifled” or something to that effect. If she had known me better, she would have known I am not a feminist and I was lying. But no matter. She didn’t realise, and I moved on.

But I want to talk about it on here. Mostly because I know you guys won’t judge me and it doesn’t affect me much if you do.

I’d have to say in my small amount of life experience in 23 years, I had feared the dark when I was very young. Later on I feared losing the people closest to me.

Now I’d say my biggest fear is ending up with someone, or being surrounded by several someones who do not understand me and do not even like me. The dark doesn’t seem so bad.

I’ve said people bother me. It’s a lot to do with me though, I’m sure of that because people always tell me “the world is perceived in your image” which loosely translates to you’ll only get what you want to get. If I’m a bit weird, I’ll be surrounded by people whom I find weird. And that’s true. I tell people openly that I don’t like people for too long, (though there are exceptions), that I can’t put up with certain traits people have, and I’m certain everyone I know has disappointed me in some way.

Everyone is aware of these things to a certain extent I suppose, but I think it’s a bit supercharged in me. And here’s where the problem is.

The 20s theme arises again. Lately people have been telling me a lot about how I should be in a relationship or I should look forward to getting married, etc. I wish I could tell them all to collectively get lost. But I’m a decent person and so I nod politely.

I’ve grown up in a system where families decide who you end up with. Sounds primitve does it not? “arranged marriage” is what they used to call it. It’s probably hard for some of you to imagine. It’s not exactly marrying a total stranger like they show in movies though. You know them to a certain extent, but it’s more like here’s a person, this is their job, this is what they look like, their family and where they live. Sound okay? Let’s give it a go.

Nope. Anope. ANOPE.

I cannot accept this. A person’s personality matters so much to me. And the little things about them. This system means you could end up with a total slob who never spring cleans. And you wouldn’t know until a few months of already being married. I would go insane.

My family tells me it’s the “right way” though. And divorce rates are much lower with this system. Um actually that’s because society would still shun you if you left your spouse. Yeah that’s still a real thing.

But it’s more than that. I don’t want someone to “put up” with me. I would hate that. I want a person to genuinely like things about me enough to outweigh my annoying features. How could you do that from reading about me on a profile?? It makes no sense.

I suppose you’re wondering why I don’t just start dating.

Because that’s frowned upon too. Even more primitive. But also, I don’t believe in dating either. Because I think you can never know a person completely regardless of how long you’ve known them before you get married.

Can you see my rock and hard place? I couldn’t deal with the drama that would ensue if I decided to find someone on my own. Both with my family and possible heartbreak of dating someone who isn’t right. But I’m crippled with fear of ending up like every married couple I know hating each other and reminding each other of the mistake they made every day.

My only hope is that someone perfect magically comes along and falls in love with me.

Yeah right. Why don’t I just book my flying pig now too? >__>

I don’t want to have to doubt how much someone cares about me. Or if they’re just in it because they have to be. That’s a horrible feeling. And that’s my biggest fear.

In view of all of this, I am literally so much better on my own.

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