Decisions, Decisions

How much do you believe in the cosmic concept of fate?

Do you believe you decide everything that happens to you, or do you believe everything that happens – even if it feels like you make decisions – is just how it’s meant to happen?

I probably believe in the latter.

I know I think really hard about making decisions (mostly) and then make them, but so many times, things have happened so that I feel I don’t really control what happens.

This isn’t a cop out. I absolutely take responsibility for every one of my decisions and face the consequences. But when you expect a certain outcome from experience and make a decision, and it still goes awry, it makes me think that maybe that’s just how it was meant to be.
I made a decision the other day. I made it with several things in mind. I made it for someone else.

But it was a bit of a risk. The outcome hasn’t become clear yet. As only time will tell that. But I can already kind of see that it may not have been the best decision for me and I’m likely to have some misery from it.

I made the decision anyway. I didn’t really think much about my own state or whether I’d be able to handle the consequences or even if there was any point in doing it.

I prioritised something else over my mental health, despite the fact that I was given something, and I chose to give it away. And knowing that this will probably bring me unhappiness.

And that made me think of the last few decisions I have made that ended up not so great, that I’m still paying for.

I wondered if I was messing with my fate by making these decisions that are so obviously causing ripples in my life. I wondered what would have happened if I had just let things be and the way they were handed to me.

But I figured, there’s not much point. The way I’m feeling now, it’s a bit like oh well let’s see how much I can screw up my life on my own and find out how much I can handle. If I’ve hit rock bottom by my own devices, then after that, the only way to go, is up.

I feel kind of okay about it.

Maybe these decisions are part of my fate. Maybe changing what I was given is what is meant to happen. And what I’m supposed to get, is really what I’m supposed to get. If it was meant to be any different, I wouldn’t have been able to go through with my decision. But the fact that I was, makes me think I was meant to face whatever happens because of it.

And if that’s more unhappiness,

well hey.

I’ve made it this far. Let’s see how much more I can take.

But I know that fate aside, every decision I make, is my responsibility. No one else can be blamed for the consequences coming.

Dying to see, how this one ends.

PTSD/PGTSD

I feel weird.

Have you heard of PTSD? Post traumatic stress disorder?

It’s a psychiatric condition whereby a person had witnessed or been involved in a traumatic event, and in the days, weeks, months following, they experience distressing symptoms relating to the event.

Flashbacks where they relive the event over and over, a phenomenon where it feels like they are literally transported back in time to that event.

Nightmares featuring the event and possible sub-events or other outcomes relating to that event.

Avoidance behaviours, They try to avoid places or people directly related to said event.

 

Why do I bring this up? I think I have something of this sort.

No traumatic event, thankfully. Well yeah I’ve had traumatic stuff happen to me, but at the moment, I’m having flashbacks about a good time.

Is that weird?

I have been having literal flashbacks about a time period/event/thing that was really good. The reason is, it’s not good anymore. Maybe that’s why?

It was my graduation day. It was the day sort of before and after my graduation. I keep remembering how content/hopeful I was. Things happened over those days that I know won’t happen again.

Now I am sad. But my brain keeps replaying those days over and over in my dreams and in my day dreams.

I. Don’t. Know. Why.

I think my mind is broken right now. It’s really not functioning very well. I may as well be an automaton.

I wonder if it’s just my brain’s way of processing some of the yucky things happening now. But I can’t figure out why I keep thinking about those few days.

The reason it’s worrying is because I am kind of yearning to go back to those few days. And feel okay and content and hopeful. I don’t have any of those feelings currently. It’s almost like things now have undone all those good feelings back then. And yearning is definitely not a good thing. It’s hard to deal with because it’s a continuous cycle of oh man that’s in the past and it’s never coming back. And things now aren’t going to be that good.

Which is not a good state to be in.

So I guess this is a weird reversed PTSD? Like a PGTSD? Post good things stress disorder?

I don’t know. This doesn’t make much sense. I am very tired.

A Simpler Time

Sometimes I wish I lived in an era where technology wasn’t so advanced. 

While I’ve mentioned before that having so many ways to communicate these days is a blessing, some days it just wears you down.

These days I have very little ‘in person’ contact with my friends and the people I know. I text every single one of them. And I have to say, it’s just not doing it for me.

Things seem so difficult over text. You cannot convey any emotion accurately. Basically the words on the screen can be read in any tone at all by the reader. If they want to read it lightly, they can. But they can also read it in a loud angry voice in their heads. 

I get quite frustrated by this. I want to convey that I’m sad/angry/genuinely feeling something. But all you get are black and white words on a screen. Other than the words themselves, there’s no way of knowing what I’m feeling. And if you don’t believe my words either, this is a wasted conversation.

Sure you can throw all kinds of emoticons in there (emojis for you young’uns) but even those are up for interpretation. 

Like the humble smiley face 🙂

When you want it to be, 🙂 <—- this thing can be the most sadistic message you can send someone. No joke. 

And sure you can put in emphasis 

LIKE WHEN YOU’RE READING THIS, IT’S PROBABLY QUITE LOUD IN YOUR HEAD

But then again, the words aren’t angry.

Or are they?

It’s just a bit too difficult. And also, people have very short attention spans. I could be pouring my heart out over text to someone, and they go offline or to the next app for a few minutes and just leave me hanging and wondering when they’re going to read my message and reply. 

Which would never happen if real life. If someone was crying in front of you, you wouldn’t say oh be right back just gonna check my mailbox real quick. No you’d give them your full, undivided attention (I’d hope)

That’s what I strive to do. If someone sends me a message saying they need to talk or they’re upset, I drop everything and listen for as long as I possibly can until they’re feeling better. And I would never leave them on “read”. 

And that’s another thing. With so many ways these days of knowing if someone got your message, it’s hard not to ask yourself “well they saw the message, why aren’t they replying?”

Whereas back then, if you called someone on the phone, you’d know whether they would talk to you, or if they don’t pick up, they’re actually doing something else or are busy. It just doesn’t feel good to be ignored. Makes you feel unimportant. It makes you feel like you’re bothering your so-called “friends”. I never want anyone who came to me to feel that way. 

Even people who haven’t spoken to you in a while. You think to yourself, well they have Facebook. They could just message me. Why aren’t they making the effort? 
Whereas back then, if two people have drifted apart, staying in contact is actually physically difficult. So they just fade away and everybody moves on with the people who are currently in their vicinity. Atleast you can tell yourself that it really is hard to stay in contact. Not that they didn’t make the effort. 

But this should go both ways, I mean. You have to make the effort too. 

But I feel these days, people don’t. I think I’m trying too hard putting effort in, in a time period where I don’t belong. 

I just want to talk out loud. In person or on the phone. Sure, texting means people can think about their replies before they say them and maybe that’ll stop people from saying stupid things (in theory). But it doesn’t really always work that way and it takes too long to get your point across. And by then, they’ve already sent 5 messages and are interpreting the tone of your messages inaccurately. 

I just wish there weren’t so many ways that I can be misunderstood or feel ignored. If people aren’t going to put in effort, I think it’s better they fade away out of sight and become difficult to contact. 

Helping People

I had such a night on my long day that the words of one of the gastroenterologist consultants I had met in Melbourne echoed loudly in my ears

“I’m done helping people. You try to help people, and they just screw with you.”

Because more people will blame you for things you didn’t do wrong, rather than what you did do. 

Real And Fair

“Ducked into an empty classroom and felt an unbearable rage at what was happening and how helpless I was. I slammed my fists into the wall over and over again, the sound reverberating in my ears and the pain shooting into my hands. When I was done, I looked at my knuckles and hands, red from the impact. The pain felt good. Atleast it was real. Atleast it was fair.”

-RH 

Angry

Ugh.

I’ve written posts on here when I’ve been happy or sad or even frustrated. Right now I’m just angry. And I need to vent.

I’m angry at everything. The world, my life, and myself. 

I just feel so stuck. I hate the feeling of being stuck. I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be stuck. 

Sometimes I wish I weren’t the way I am. I wish I could be like others who have plans and goals and who think about things months in advance. I’m nothing like that. All I have are ideas of what I would like my life to be without any clear plans. I used to have plans. But so many times they’ve been ruined that I no longer have the confidence to make them or say them out loud. 

These days I make decisions that are short range. As opportunities come by. But I feel like I’ve missed a lot of opportunities and I’m just not as motivated as others are. I feel like everyone else is busy doing their life the right way, and I’m just not. 

I get angry because I don’t like this thought process. It isn’t about others. It’s about me. But when someone close to you hurts you or breaks you down, that stuff plays on your mind a lot. 

How rude is that. You spend ages building up your self esteem or get to a point where you think you like your view of yourself, and people can just smash it. Like it meant nothing.

I suppose the counter argument to that is that if it was a strong enough self esteem level, it shouldn’t be broken that easily. 

Which is why I get more angry at myself. 

I don’t know what to do about it. 

I could sit around all day and think about this. But no. There are always people around me expecting me to do something. 

Sometimes I think I’m way too selfish and cynical. There’s nothing actually wrong with my life. Why can’t I just be happy with what I have and get over myself? Nobody ever really tells me if that’s what I should do or if I am allowed to feel this way. 

Oh God I’m actually thinking I need permission to feel a certain way. 

Ugh.

I think a lot about karma. I wonder if I’m in a karmic slump right now. And all this stuff and these feelings are because I’ve got some karmic debt I need to repay. I don’t even know anymore. 

I keep thinking I need to be alone. I need to actually be alone somewhere for a while. Where nobody expects anything of me and I don’t have to talk to anyone. 

Nobody and nothing makes me happy at the moment. And that’s terrible. 

But it’s not anybody else’s fault I don’t think. The solution has to come from me. But I just don’t know what that solution is.

My life seems to be a big question mark at the moment.

I wish I could just drive off somewhere and disappear.