I’ve written posts on here when I’ve been happy or sad or even frustrated. Right now I’m just angry. And I need to vent.
I’m angry at everything. The world, my life, and myself.
I just feel so stuck. I hate the feeling of being stuck. I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be stuck.
Sometimes I wish I weren’t the way I am. I wish I could be like others who have plans and goals and who think about things months in advance. I’m nothing like that. All I have are ideas of what I would like my life to be without any clear plans. I used to have plans. But so many times they’ve been ruined that I no longer have the confidence to make them or say them out loud.
These days I make decisions that are short range. As opportunities come by. But I feel like I’ve missed a lot of opportunities and I’m just not as motivated as others are. I feel like everyone else is busy doing their life the right way, and I’m just not.
I get angry because I don’t like this thought process. It isn’t about others. It’s about me. But when someone close to you hurts you or breaks you down, that stuff plays on your mind a lot.
How rude is that. You spend ages building up your self esteem or get to a point where you think you like your view of yourself, and people can just smash it. Like it meant nothing.
I suppose the counter argument to that is that if it was a strong enough self esteem level, it shouldn’t be broken that easily.
Which is why I get more angry at myself.
I don’t know what to do about it.
I could sit around all day and think about this. But no. There are always people around me expecting me to do something.
Sometimes I think I’m way too selfish and cynical. There’s nothing actually wrong with my life. Why can’t I just be happy with what I have and get over myself? Nobody ever really tells me if that’s what I should do or if I am allowed to feel this way.
Oh God I’m actually thinking I need permission to feel a certain way.
I think a lot about karma. I wonder if I’m in a karmic slump right now. And all this stuff and these feelings are because I’ve got some karmic debt I need to repay. I don’t even know anymore.
I keep thinking I need to be alone. I need to actually be alone somewhere for a while. Where nobody expects anything of me and I don’t have to talk to anyone.
Nobody and nothing makes me happy at the moment. And that’s terrible.
But it’s not anybody else’s fault I don’t think. The solution has to come from me. But I just don’t know what that solution is.
My life seems to be a big question mark at the moment.
I wish I could just drive off somewhere and disappear.