Summertime is really the best time to go out and reflect in places.
Chances of coming by a view that is absolutely stunning, while on a walk, are much higher in summer than in winter.
Unless you live somewhere where it snows and you like going on mid winter walks in a winter wonderland of course!
But anyway. Today I was due some reflection and mindfulness, as I’m 2 weeks off from finishing my first rotation as a house officer.
I haven’t talked much about what my job actually entails. I deal with all the medicine for psychiatry patients. Often, most of them are perfectly healthy. But occasionally I get someone who is very comorbid so I have to order tests, make sure they happen, talk to a bunch of different departments, trying to piece together their management. And because of where the psych unit is placed at my hospital, people are very reluctant to come over there and do things for patients. And getting potentially aggressive and high AWOL risk patients to different parts of the hospital is also challenging. So getting things done is hard.
On my long days I also cover geriatric wards. Where every patient is liable to crash, the nurses are super nervous and the house officers during the day dump whatever they are unable to do while they’re there, on the psych house officers.
But I’ve made it this far. And I’m going on to general medicine next. Which is going to be a massive change in pace which I would welcome, but also will be a huge challenge as I feel I haven’t done much medicine in these three months to prepare me for what general medicine will bring.
Lots of emotional highs and lows this rotation. Being told by someone that I lack motivation, that I lack common sense, that nobody would take me seriously, that I’m not trying hard enough to be involved, coupled together with my own insecurities, fears, the feeling of being frustrated that I can’t do more with my life, and the sickening realisation everyday that I know that I will never get what I want….
It brings me down.
But I’ve been chugging along.
All of the stuff above is just noise I hear in my head everyday.
But when I’m on a walk and see the omnipresent sea, the gentle lull of waves going back and forth on the shore, sounds of people and birds and boats going about doing their thing, the sun setting and creating the most beautiful set of colours as a backdrop to the city line and the ocean, my eyes and the rest of my senses are pleased. A wonderful stillness and peace comes upon me and drowns the noise out. Just for a little while. Making me feel that I’m part of something much bigger in the universe.
Of course those moments pass and reality and the noise comes back, but I’ll try holding onto that feeling of peace just like in the photo.