Oh dear. Not a great topic. Not in a great mood.
Right so. I had a family member who had cardiac surgery this week. They came out, having had a successful surgery and recovering well. Quite stressful watching them recover and things. But something else has been on my mind.
One of my friends, my best friend, who I adore, who I’ve known since high school, whose wedding I will be a groomsman at….. I haven’t been talking very much to.
I haven’t hung out with him for about 6 months. We talk now and then. About minor things. When I try to share thoughts about certain issues, he is superficially empathetic. Where he used to be quite amazing and helpful when we were younger. He also doesn’t share his issues with me. We used to talk about basically everything and would help each other out. For some reason we fell out of that habit.
He didn’t show up to my graduation (granted he was in Wellington proposing to his girlfriend) or any of my birthday gatherings. Each time I had told myself I had to be understanding because he was a good friend and he had been there for me several times.
I had told him about my family member having surgery. He had clearly forgotten about the whole thing. Hadn’t really checked in with me or brought it up. And that bothered me a bit.
But it wasn’t just him. None of the friends I had told about this had remembered it was happening. Nobody checked in on me or my family until I had brought it up myself.
But weirdly, another house officer, someone I had only met this year at work who I had casually mentioned this to, had messaged me on the day of the surgery as well as checked up on me the day after and the day after that.
I don’t know if this is expecting too much from friends. I really don’t know. I’m willing to understand that people are busy and life really does get in the way. But I just sort of hoped friends would be thoughtful beyond that.
I remember stuff like this and make it a point to check up on my friends.
So I just don’t know.
It weirdly makes me feel I can’t really count on anyone to understand.
I mean I have my family who I love and who I can count on. But sometimes, as I’ve mentioned on here, the way they talk about each other and the way they fight all the time makes me lose faith in that too.
Am I too sensitive? I can’t seem to understand what my role in these things are.
I was once told everything is in flux. Friends don’t last forever blah blah blah. I had said I make friends for life. I guess I’ll always think of people as friends and find happiness in being there for them and doing things for them. But I think I have to realise that it absolutely does not go both ways. And expecting it to, is probably not the best idea.
It’s weird. One of the things that ties me to New Zealand are my friends and the people I know. I wonder now if there’s any point in holding onto that. Maybe it won’t be so bad to just move on.
I’m unsure if any of them will really be bothered if I left.
I just don’t know.
But if this is what adult friendships/ relationships are like, then I’m really not ready.