Vicarious 

Everyone has a vision of what they want their life to be like.

Thinking about travelling a lot, going places on their own, working in a bunch of different jobs and meeting different people

Being able to be with whoever they want

Experiencing a lot of different things.
Sometimes I think my life is a lot less exciting than I thought it would be.

I mean strictly speaking there’s not a lot wrong with my life. And I’m grateful for a lot of things.

But sometimes I see people who come from similar walks of life to me but who have a lot of the things I would have wanted for my own life. 

Hearing about these things is fascinating and exciting because it’s what I wanted but didn’t get.

My life is basically a slow, steady incline without much variance. 

I’ve still got many years to go and things could happen. But I probably have to make them happen. Whereas the stories I hear sound as though people were given opportunities they took.

I know realistically that’s not true. Everybody has to make certain things happen for themselves, but I wonder if they had a lot of the things holding them back as I do. 

I want to travel, I wish I had studied in an exotic place, I wish I had learnt a bunch of new things in different places and worked a bunch of different jobs with different skills. 

But none of that stuff happened to me. 

I mean I’ve tried planning many trips to different places, but they had never really worked out. But when others do, bam. They’re on their way. 

Or so it seems to me.

I don’t know. Guess I’ll just have to see what I can do with my life. And get what I want. 

Nothing Else

A photo

Taken on a walk where I was reflecting on how I don’t understand anything.

How nothing I do seems to be enough

How I’m the only one crying

How even though that’s the case, the sunset is still so beautiful and peaceful. 

Looking Down

Today was my first experience as a house officer with hierarchy.

I have been newly trained in carrying out DC cardioversions. The procedure where a defibrillator machine is used to shock your heart from an irregular rhythm to a regular one. 

This is usually done under anaesthesia. 

This wasn’t my first DCCV procedure. Me and a PGY2 house officer walked into the theatre and waited for the patient to be put to sleep. The pgy2 has never carried out a DCCV before. The anaesthetist, a tall stranger walked up to us and immediately turned to the other house officer, looking expectantly for an introduction. 

I spoke up and introduced myself as the cardiology house officer who will be carrying out this procedure. The other house officer introduced herself. Instantly, the anaesthetist’s eyes narrowed. But it disappeared quickly and I wasn’t sure if I had seen it.

He said okay then went back to putting the patient to sleep. A few moments later, patient still not asleep, the anaesthetist turns to me and says “who do you call for help?” 

I told him I would call my registrar. He asked for their name. I gave it to him.

A few moments later he instructed a nurse to ask me to write my registrar’s name and phone number on the whiteboard in the theatre “just in case”

The temperature in the room dropped fast.

I did as I was asked.

The patient was finally asleep and I delivered a single shock to the patient’s heart. I then began analysing the rhythm. 

The anaesthetist quickly interrupted me and asked if I was happy. Well Mr. Anaesthetist, I was not in fact happy as the rhythm was still slightly irregular. I was just discussing this with the other house officer when he began taking monitors and oxygen masks away from the patient, and essentially packing up. 

I still thought the rhythm was irregular. I voiced that I wanted to deliver a second shock to the patient. The anaesthetist gave me a look and told me I should really call my registrar if I’m having “trouble”. Ie he was not going to start again and anaesthetise the patient.

I called my registrar and she said she would come up but agreed that the patient should have a second shock.

I told the anaesthetist this and he said “you shouldn’t shock her on this rhythm”. Funny how you’ve made that conclusion now instead of straight away. 

I was wondering what I should do when he said “if you’re having trouble you should really call your registrar to come and review this patient”

He then proceeded to leave. 
The patient did not end up getting a second shock. Luckily for her, her heart reverted back to a regular rhythm later on.

But I was annoyed.

Mostly with myself because I had just let another doctor make me feel small and incompetent when what I should have said was “this isn’t my first DCCV” and asserted what I know.

But I didn’t expect to run into this problem. As house officers you’re the bottom of the ladder, sure. But for someone to outright assume that I don’t know what I’m doing and make that very clear to me is just not on.

You hear a lot about hierarchy. And I’ve experienced it as a student. But this was my first experience as a house officer when I’m actually NOT incompetent at this particular procedure. 

If you look down at someone when you’re at the top of your game, forgetting that you were once at that level and still learning….. well then you haven’t learnt anything really. 

Learning point for me is to be more assertive when I know I’m not incompetent at something. And to not treat anyone else like that. 

Some people are just shocking. Would rather be in the dark ages. 

Can he just not, step on my gown. He needs to calm down.

My Little Nation


Last night was a huge night for the Black Caps. The New Zealand cricket team that made it all the way to the finals and lost to England on a technicality.

I couldn’t be prouder of the New Zealand team! 

People go on and on about “home team advantage”, but let me tell you, my team showed the world that home team advantage just isn’t enough. We went all the way to England and showed them that we can be just as good overseas as we are at home. 

A shocking tie-breaking match. That was broken on a technicality. 

But the NZ team showed everyone that they lead the world in hard work, commitment, teamwork and spirit.

So incredibly proud of the Black Caps and proud of my little nation!!