Promise Of 2019

Well. My year in review post.

I remember when 2019 started. I wasn’t having the best time. I was at my new job and I was mourning the end of 2018 in a way. 2018 didn’t end well but it had so many good things about it. It had several lows but the highs were quite high. 

Couldn’t say the same for 2019.

I was having a conversation with HD. Back in 2018, I had promised him that 2019 would be his year. I told him he would have several good things happen to him and he would be really happy. I was secretly promising myself the same.

I really should’ve known better.

Several good things did happen for him. Just not the stuff I had predicted. And as for me, yeah I had a few highs. But the lows have been just so low. And currently it’s the lowest it could go, in my view. Though I probably shouldn’t say that because it can always get worse. Let’s face it.

I kind of wanted to be more put together. I had a bit of an idea what I wanted and where I wanted to go.

But this year has kind of made me think that maybe I’m just not someone who is destined to get what they really want. Maybe I want too much. Maybe what I want is too different to my innate nature and being. Maybe that’s why I won’t get it.

Because I really don’t think I gained more than I lost this year. And am continuing to lose. And the hopes that next year will be great, are rapidly slipping away.

I told HD that I wouldn’t promise him the world again this coming year. That was foolish. 

I told him that the year would have ups and downs, but overall it would be an up for him. His life is headed the right way.

I tried to tell myself the same thing. I know what kind of downs I will be facing. And they horrify me. I can only imagine and dream about the ups. And wish they would happen. 

But I’ve given up planning. 

Because my plans are just the tiny seeds on a thistle. At the slightest breeze, they break apart and fly away, leaving no trace of every having existed.

Wow that’s a major sob story. Sorry, I don’t mean to bring anyone down. But I guess the reality is, a year can either change a lot or not much at all. But a single day could do that too. So instead of being overwhelmed by the big picture, I shall take each day as it comes and goes. And survive them until my next high point. 

And just keep hoping and swimming.

Coping

3 weeks of gastroenterology down! 

Hugely annoying three weeks. Despite my first day being full of potential and exciting, things brought me down really quickly. 

I was at ADHB during my trainee intern year. Ie my final year of medical school. I had found that year fabulous and the hospital to be a really great place. But now that I’m back….. it’s really lack luster.

Adhb is woefully behind on technology such as electronic prescribing and blood test ordering. It’s behind on referrals processes and radiology liaisons. They even changed the IV cannula needles I remember using in my TI year. 

What has happened?

And worse, the heriarchy that Adhb is famous for, reared it’s ugly head.

Gastroenterology is my chosen speciality. I love working in gastro and seeing gastro patients and attending endoscopy lists. But the consultants in my department seem to not care very much for my existence. 

I made it a point to introduce myself to the consultants and greet them every morning. But beyond responding with a lukewarm “hi” they don’t say much else, and what’s more, the same consultants are super nice and conversational to the registrars. 

I don’t get it. I’m helpful too you know. I’m keen on gastro too you know.

Ugh.

Thankfully at least my registrars are nice to me and invest in my learning.

But it does bring me down. Also the job is not very busy at all. I feel like I’m back on psychiatry where there’s nothing to do. 

Sighhhhh

And then there’s this situation at home. Currently my family is planning a big move to Australia. That they want me to be a part of. They want me to quit my job here and find one there and start all over.

There are financial benefits and family benefits to doing this, but I don’t want to.

I’m aware that I sound incredibly selfish, but I feel like I should have some autonomy over where I work and where I want to live. And I don’t want to leave NZ yet. I know I probably will eventually, but I don’t want to right now. And they are taking it hard. And I’m demonized everyday.

Life’s not in one of its peaks at the moment. 
The other day a friend of mine who I hadn’t seen in years asked me about work and what it’s like to be a doctor. One of the things he asked me was; “do you often get stressed about work? How do you deal with that?”

And to be honest, I hadn’t really thought about it until he brought it up.

I actually have really bad coping mechanisms. 

I can’t remember if I ever had good coping mechanisms but I’m sure I don’t now. 

I told him, I cope by sleeping.

And that’s true. Every time things get really rough for me, I choose to go to sleep. (Yeah a real man of action, I am)

I don’t know why. But it’s an escape I suppose. The only time I don’t have to think or stress is when I’m physically unable to. And that’s when I sleep. 

Ofcourse that’s not really coping at all because when I wake up the problems haven’t magically gone away, but I guess in some ways I had a break from it and that gives me some strength to deal with it all again. 

I don’t know. 

I’m just hoping it all gets better. I just wish I knew what the right thing to do was.