Promise Of 2019

Well. My year in review post.

I remember when 2019 started. I wasn’t having the best time. I was at my new job and I was mourning the end of 2018 in a way. 2018 didn’t end well but it had so many good things about it. It had several lows but the highs were quite high. 

Couldn’t say the same for 2019.

I was having a conversation with HD. Back in 2018, I had promised him that 2019 would be his year. I told him he would have several good things happen to him and he would be really happy. I was secretly promising myself the same.

I really should’ve known better.

Several good things did happen for him. Just not the stuff I had predicted. And as for me, yeah I had a few highs. But the lows have been just so low. And currently it’s the lowest it could go, in my view. Though I probably shouldn’t say that because it can always get worse. Let’s face it.

I kind of wanted to be more put together. I had a bit of an idea what I wanted and where I wanted to go.

But this year has kind of made me think that maybe I’m just not someone who is destined to get what they really want. Maybe I want too much. Maybe what I want is too different to my innate nature and being. Maybe that’s why I won’t get it.

Because I really don’t think I gained more than I lost this year. And am continuing to lose. And the hopes that next year will be great, are rapidly slipping away.

I told HD that I wouldn’t promise him the world again this coming year. That was foolish. 

I told him that the year would have ups and downs, but overall it would be an up for him. His life is headed the right way.

I tried to tell myself the same thing. I know what kind of downs I will be facing. And they horrify me. I can only imagine and dream about the ups. And wish they would happen. 

But I’ve given up planning. 

Because my plans are just the tiny seeds on a thistle. At the slightest breeze, they break apart and fly away, leaving no trace of every having existed.

Wow that’s a major sob story. Sorry, I don’t mean to bring anyone down. But I guess the reality is, a year can either change a lot or not much at all. But a single day could do that too. So instead of being overwhelmed by the big picture, I shall take each day as it comes and goes. And survive them until my next high point. 

And just keep hoping and swimming.

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