In My Head

People always talk about a utopia/dystopia whereby you could read other people’s minds or people would say exactly what they’re thinking to everyone every single moment of every day

People talk about this being ideal and not ideal for various different reasons

But lately I feel like the only thing worse than the scenario above is when I am genuinely trying to convey my feelings and the truth as best as I know how, and the people around me either don’t listen, don’t believe, or don’t want to understand.

You’d think the challenge would be trying to get someone to tell you what they’re feeling. Not having people not wanting to hear what you’re feeling.

Feel like I’m just another one of these clowns at an arcade. Being hit on the head, told to get back in my hole when I try to say something about my feelings

Pedantics and Quirks

I’ve got a lot of thoughts buzzing in my head today. Not all of them good. But somehow I got into thinking about weird quirks I have and things I’m pedantic about.

When someone says “Thanks” instead of “Thank you” to something quite significant and something that was actually quite thoughtful, it seems less than adequate. I have no idea what the singular form of “Thank” and the addition of “you” has, but it means more to me when some says thank you, rather than just Thanks.

I also sometimes have issue with people saying “no worries” (must be a NZ/Aus thing) instead of the conventional “you’re welcome” or “anytime!”. When I say a genuine thank you to show how grateful I am, “no worries” feels so impersonal and like it’s being brushed off.

But nothing bothers me more than “I’m sorry”. Nothing seems more pointless than these 2 words. I’m willing to bet 9/10 times someone has said this to me, they 100% did not mean it. And I can tell because their actions hardly ever show that they’re actually filled with any amount of “sorrow”. Maybe a new variation? “I feel much sorrow over what I have said/done”…. meh. Still not feeling it.

When people don’t thank you/show a gesture of a hand when you let them pass into your lane or give them way to cross. I don’t know. It’s like the trolley theory (look it up if you haven’t heard of it). Nobody is going to tell you off for not doing it, but whether you’re a good enough person to show gratitude for small gestures or not, can be worked out from something like this.

When people don’t reply. Not just being left on seen, etc. Everybody has a problem with that. I mean more when someone messages me and I reply in 0.1 seconds but then they take the next 24h to say “okay” or something equally insignificant. People don’t give enough credit for the demons in another person’s head.

Lack of empathy. Specifically, if you KNOW something would definitely bother you if it happened to you, why on EARTH do you think it’s acceptable to do it to someone else? Like why. Why.

WHY

Don’t know. Too late in the night for any of these thoughts to end anywhere constructive.

Feel free to disagree with any of the above. It’s all probably not any big deal at all. But these are my quirks and things I’m pedantic about.

The Burnout Ended

Finally my week off arrived! And let me tell you, it was a long time coming.

Prior to my week off I had a set of night shifts which were pretty awful and draining. Made me worry a bit for the coming years and whether I would even have the energy for night shifts. It’s just not natural. Eugh.

But something else that happened in the weeks leading up to my week off is that I was asked to step up to be a registrar 2months earlier than everyone else.

Our employers in Auckland, being as useless with admin as they usually are, realised much too late that they do not have enough medical registrars for the coming year and especially for the transition period in November. So their last-ditch attempt was to ask those of us who are going to be registrars in February, to start in December. I was one of them.

Initially the whole thing freaked me out because I was still in my burnout spell and I didn’t think I could tolerate more responsibility and a more difficult roster (being a registrar is nothing glamorous, let me tell you.) So I was super scared. Every one I talked to thought I was ready. Except me.

I didn’t quite know what I should do but I kept telling myself it’s the burnout talking. Because I knew I wanted to be a reg and I knew if I did it early, my senior regs who I know and who like me will still be around to support me before they move on to their next rotation. So that’s a bonus.

But on the other hand, it was more responsibility when others at my level were still House officers and I sure as hell won’t get the week of leave I had asked for around Christmas time and what if I screw up? How do I just step up early?

Well as someone who just recently read The Subtle Art of not giving a f*ck, I guess the answer to that question is, you just do it. If you haven’t read that book, I recommend it. Helped me through my burnout stages.

I guess the point is I knew I was gonna do this so I guess, just do it. (In the most non-Nike way possible).

There was no real point to being scared. I mean of course I have to be a bit scared and make sure I do a good job and not screw up, but there’s no point in being so scared that I go backwards from progress that I need to have.

So anyway, during my week off, I reflected, and agreed to go ahead and take the job starting in December. Only time will tell how thing shall turn out.

I went to Tauranga on my week off, a city in the East Coast of the North Island. Famous for the beaches and nature trails. Climbed up a mountain and took some pics as I do.

It’s been a good week off. Much needed, tried to be productive, reflective, get back into photography, reading, writing and being some version of happy.

And the weather was just gorgeous! Here are some pictures of the Tauranga coastline from Mt. Maunganui