The Last Day Of 2020

So I thought about writing my annual year in review post. But I’m struggling to do so. Can Anyone really write a good summary post about 2020? Probably not. Mostly because it seems like the perils of 2020 are not yet over.

I usually say there’s always something to be grateful for every year. I guess that’s true. I mean, this year I thought was going to be awful for a bunch of other reasons. But as it turned out, that stuff was less awful and kind of turned out okay as collateral damage to the whole covid business.

Some things were broken beyond repair this year. But other things were built. Nobody has ever had an experience quite like this around the world. It was unique. It brought people together in a way while also ripping them apart. Lockdown was hard. Working through it in hospital for me was hard. But I imagine it would have been way harder for people at home.

For me personally, stuff happened this year that kind of broke who I thought I was. And the relationships I have with others. But there were also times that solidified who I am and certain relationships.

But I hadn’t achieved any personal goals this year. I had a few of them. I had visions to improve certain aspects of my life. But all is not lost. As always, when things don’t turn out the way you want them to, they inevitably turn out the way they’re meant to. And at the end of the day, that will be what was best for you and everyone. Even if it doesn’t seem that way at the time.

I believe that.

So. Going forward, I can’t really picture 2021 being loads better. Because as we all know, this covid thing hasn’t yet gone away. Of course there is the vaccine which gives lots of people hope. Myself included. But in the time that it takes for most of the world’s population to be vaccinated or immune, things will be rather different. Travel will take a long time to go back to how it was.

But we can surely hope it will be better in that everyone is prepared for these changes. And everyone, will go with the flow. As will I.

So on the last day of 2020, I decided to do my favourite thing – watch the sunset. May the setting sun on the last day of 2020 bode well for the sunrise of 2021

I Wish For Understanding

Don’t know how to start or talk about this. I just wish for understanding. I wish someone would understand me.

I wish I would be able to understand myself

I didn’t get the jobs my family wanted me to get. I am relieved by that which makes me guilty. It makes them sad. I don’t want to make them sad. But I don’t want to go along with their plans.

Some part of me wants a happy family. But I don’t want to give up what I have.

I’m averse to change. That’s wrong. But there are some things I yearn for.

I threw myself into my work. I find happiness in it. I find solace it. The little annoying things are part of what makes it.

I threw myself into work and career to escape the gaps in the rest of my life. Now I can’t give up what I have because it’s become too great a part of me.

I did the same for some people in my life. They’ve become too great a part in my life. I can’t give that up.

But they tell me they like me because I understand them. I make them feel good.

But it never occurs to anyone that I want to be understood too. That I want to feel good.

Nobody seems to get it.

My chest often feels heavy with too much emotion. Guilt, regret, fear, love, sadness, loneliness.

I imagine telling someone about my thoughts, but I keep hearing them feeling sorry for me. Not really understanding me.

But then I break down and actually try to tell someone but they often don’t have enough time to reply or are caught up in their own feelings. And I feel guilty for burdening them.

I want things I shouldn’t want. I do and say things as though I already have those things. But then I get angry when people don’t confine to the things I want or think I have. And that makes me angry. I’m punishing someone else for an idea I created in my own head. I’m trying to sabotage it myself.

I don’t know what I’m doing

I look at myself and I don’t know what I’m doing next. I don’t know what I’m doing now. I want to stop feeling this way but I don’t know what I have to do when virtually everything scares me.

I don’t understand.

I wish for understanding.