Don’t know how to start or talk about this. I just wish for understanding. I wish someone would understand me.
I wish I would be able to understand myself
I didn’t get the jobs my family wanted me to get. I am relieved by that which makes me guilty. It makes them sad. I don’t want to make them sad. But I don’t want to go along with their plans.
Some part of me wants a happy family. But I don’t want to give up what I have.
I’m averse to change. That’s wrong. But there are some things I yearn for.
I threw myself into my work. I find happiness in it. I find solace it. The little annoying things are part of what makes it.
I threw myself into work and career to escape the gaps in the rest of my life. Now I can’t give up what I have because it’s become too great a part of me.
I did the same for some people in my life. They’ve become too great a part in my life. I can’t give that up.
But they tell me they like me because I understand them. I make them feel good.
But it never occurs to anyone that I want to be understood too. That I want to feel good.
Nobody seems to get it.
My chest often feels heavy with too much emotion. Guilt, regret, fear, love, sadness, loneliness.
I imagine telling someone about my thoughts, but I keep hearing them feeling sorry for me. Not really understanding me.
But then I break down and actually try to tell someone but they often don’t have enough time to reply or are caught up in their own feelings. And I feel guilty for burdening them.
I want things I shouldn’t want. I do and say things as though I already have those things. But then I get angry when people don’t confine to the things I want or think I have. And that makes me angry. I’m punishing someone else for an idea I created in my own head. I’m trying to sabotage it myself.
I don’t know what I’m doing
I look at myself and I don’t know what I’m doing next. I don’t know what I’m doing now. I want to stop feeling this way but I don’t know what I have to do when virtually everything scares me.
I don’t understand.
I wish for understanding.