Caught In A Trap

It must be made of glass.

I lay my hands on it. It feels cold. Too cold.

I can get out easily. I push on it. The wall quivers then moves with an Earth shaking rumble. But it moves towards me. They all move around me.

Suddenly the space is too small. Desperation creeps in. It must be made of glass. Of course I can break free. I can get out. I pound on the wall until my fists are raw and pulsing with impact. But the walls only close in.

The air is tight. My screams do not linger. Snuffed out like a bare hand over a candle.

How did I get here? Did I willingly walk in? Was I placed? Was I violently thrown in without my knowledge? I was aware wasn’t I?

It only seemed like glass…

I can’t get out. The futility pounds my head as I hear glass shattering. Only the glass wasn’t outside. It was within the small, empty space in the centre of my chest.

Still Waiting…

Does anyone else feel like they’re still waiting for things to get better?

Remember how we were all like “YES BRING ON 2021 GOODBYE 2020 THINGS WILL BE SO MUCH BETTER!!” ?

Has anyone gotten what they were expecting?

I don’t think I have.

NZ is still flitting in and out of lockdown, still waiting on the vaccine, still has closed borders to the rest of the world. People still making noise about masks, still seeing covid news everywhere, still not improved.

Personally, I feel like the other things in my life have also not improved as I had hoped. It’s March already. ALREADY.

I have been studying. I am planning to sit my physicians college exams in 2022. Yep you really do have to start studying a year early. There really is that much content.

But it’s more than that. I guess I was hoping beyond hope that something would change.. you know?

Like I would experience something new, people would understand me better, I would understand people better, I would come in to my role as a registrar and it would feel different and I would feel different… just…something.

I thought at least things would feel more.. fixed. More sure? I guess? But everything is still as fluffy as it always was. Every time there is a disagreement or confusion, everything seems so broken and without solution. And it continues to feel this way. I’m not sure what I was hoping for.

Ahh what a bleak train of thought. But seriously, shouldn’t something have happened by now?

I’m not sure.. But I’m still waiting…

Pride

The world is a very different place now. I’ve not pondered my existence quite as much as I have in the last few weeks.

It’s hard being a single 20 something. Everyone looks at you wondering why you’re not with someone. Some people even ask callously.

And if they don’t, they start assuming. If you’re not with someone by now…. is something else going on? Are you batting for another team? Are you even in the game?

Sometimes I see people who are so comfortable with who they are and I envy them. What must it be like to be totally aware of who you are and know exactly what you want?

I know they didn’t get there easily. Something would have given them that ability. But it still must be so liberating. To know what you want, and have the freedom to be who you are and want who you want and actually get that. 

I’ve been told I’m not the “girliest girl”. Among the guys I’m just one of the guys. Among the girls I’m just one of the girls. I’m comfortable, see everyone as a friend and hardly ever speak about what I want. 

But I do wonder how people see me. It happens on days when I am self-conscious about my appearance. People don’t give me a second glance. No matter how I change what I look like or how I walk and talk. I feel plain. Do people ever wonder about me? Probably not. Too often I’ve had the feeling that the person I’m talking to looks straight through me at someone else. 

When you see two people together, Any two people – girls and girls, boys and boys and everything in between, it’s just nice. They are just so lucky. It gives me a hope for the world. And I want that for everyone. Even if I don’t have it for myself. Not that I even know what I really want for myself.  

But I’m grateful the world is full of colours. Just like a rainbow. Just gotta have pride in who you are.

You’re Not Dispensable?

I’ve never felt like I’m not dispensable. 

I’m always worried I’ll be easily replaced. 

Because why wouldn’t I be?

What’s so special about me?

Nothing really.

When someone or something new comes along, why wouldn’t I be lost in the crowd?

I know for a fact I’m not the only one who cares

Perhaps I care “too much”?

Does that set me apart?

But I’ve never felt sorry for caring too much. 

It always felt right to care too much. It always made me happy 

But it isn’t vice versa. 

I screw up a lot. 

Not sure why

But it doesn’t mean I don’t care

It’s not fair to think that

But that’s too bad

Because if I don’t care

Then I’d be dispensable

So maybe that’s that

Measure Up

I thought I was moving up. 

But I’m really only following lines in the sand. 

It gave me joy. Every rung I climbed, the feeling that I was enough..

But when I looked down, the pit was there. 

Within my reach. Waiting to swallow me whole. Just as easily. 

As though I meant nothing. 

I wonder if I would ever measure up. 

I thought my ruler was bigger than yours. 

But we’re measuring different things. 

Always out of step. 

My ladder turns to dust. And I am falling. 

Maybe if my ruler matched yours, I would move up. 

But at the top, I know I wouldn’t be me. 

My ruler is simply lines in the sand. 

But I will keep climbing. 

For that feeling. 

The Blogger’s MSE

Mental State Examination:

Appearance/ Behaviour: The blogger is a man/woman aged between 20s and 30s of medium height and normal build. They are dressed in casual clothing and are frequently dishevelled. The blogger establishes good rapport and maintains intense eye contact with their computer or mobile device. They tend to smile stupidly or frown intensely at the screen when blogging 

Speech: Speech is minimal to non-existent when blogging although occasionally seen muttering phrases to themselves with normal rate but low volume. 

Mood: The mood of the blogger is often subjectively variable before blogging and is objectively euphoric following blogging. 

Affect: The affect is expansive and labile ranging from irritable to blunted to euphoric, and changes frequently depending on the subject of the blog

Thought Form: The Blogger’s thought form is not linear or goal directed. There is often signs of thought disorder including tangentiality and circumstantial writing. There is also frequent flight of ideas evident in the blog posted.

Thought Content: Thoughts consist of grandiose delusions regarding popularity of blog. They also believe they will become a famous author. The blogger is preoccupied with obsessive thoughts regarding their next post and have a compulsive need to log on to WordPress frequently. 

Perception: Blogger has occasional auditory hallucinations of sentences in their next post. Blogger does not report visual hallucinations and is not observed to be responding to non-apparent stimuli.

Cognition: Blogger is alert and oriented to time, place and person. Good recall of previous posts.

Insight & Judgement: Both insight and judgement is impaired as the blogger believes their delusions are reality based and do not believe they need help with their obsession with blogging. 

Risk: The Blogger’s risk of harm to self is deemed moderate and is mostly in the form of procrastination by blogging and hindering their progress and completion of school work. Their risk of harm to others is deemed moderate by causing them to procrastinate also when reading the blogger’s post, and also possibly causing harm by boring them. 

Half The Year Gone

Woah wait a sec. It’s the end of May already?! Where did my year go??

It seems like only yesterday I was being underwhelmed by the New Year posts. And now what? We’re 6 months into the year already! Apparently time flies when you’re in hospital trying to figure out what on earth you learnt in med school over the last 4 years. xD

Looking over my posts this year, it seems I’ve been kind of lost throughout the last 6 months. Well it’s not exactly new, but I do wonder if my readers get tired of my rather self-absorbed and confused posts. (If I even have any readers, that is)

Nah I’m kidding. I’m really grateful to all the people that are following me and the people that drop by just to read a post. It’s such a nice feeling to wake up to a new like or follow. Especially since I’m super critical about my posts on here. No, really.

For me, blogging is a really new and weird thing. As a kid, I had a heck of a lot to say. And I used to think that if I had a blog, I’d be so famous and people would want me to become a writer and combine my blogs into a book (as is the trend these days amongst YouTubers, bloggers, Kardashians, etc.). As I grew older, I realised that my opinions and delusions of grandeur should really be kept to myself. Because as I’ve said, I found out the hard way what I say and what anyone says really, can have huge impacts on others (that are not always good). So the blogger/writer dream never happened. Yes I know, millions out there are disappointed. I do apologise.

But now, due to inspiration, this blog exists. And I am so grateful I started it and immensely grateful to the person that got me to do it. What’s great about this blog is that there is only one other person in my life that knows about its existence. The person that made me start it. Unless of course they told someone else about it (they might have, but I wouldn’t know them so oh well). But anyways, that fact gives me a certain amount of freedom to write anything I want on here without the fear that someone I know might see it and start judging me. And it’s also nice to have something separate that’s mine away from the other people in my life. Not that there’s anything bad about those people, it’s just I haven’t had the inclination to tell anyone about this blog. I guess it’s an insecurity thing, in a way.

The other great thing is that I know nothing about blogging. Like literally nothing. I’ve read some pretty impressive blogs since being on here and I wonder if some of the bloggers spend time planning their posts or following a template. For example, a picture that describes the theme their post is about. Or a certain direction that each of their posts should take. I have none of these. When I blog, it’s usually following some form of mood swing I’ve just had. Not always… but usually. xD I blog without a plan. I sign in, come up with a title that describes my mood, then start typing sentence after sentence that pops into my head. I type the way I think (you’re probably thinking that’s why it’s so messy. And you’d be right). Because this blog has become a place for me to vent all my emotions and worries and happy little events. I kind of don’t really think about how it sounds. Whether it really has that ‘future best-selling author’ finesse.

To me, they seem like disorganised, far longer than necessary, often random posts. But I don’t think to go back and fix it. Part of the reason for that is that I’m kinda in this place where I’m trying to figure out who I am as a person. And I feel like a lot of what I put into this blog is who I really am. Not the med student, not the friend, not someone who needs to be the person appropriate to the situation she’s in. Just me. And when these posts receive ‘likes’, It makes me feel special. As though that person does have a small voice that someone likes. hearing.

I’m not sure how we got onto the topic of blogging here, but I guess it’s the perfect time of the year (that’s going way too fast), to stop and say thanks to everyone who has been reading my blog and say how glad I am that I have this blog. Oh and sorry for another long post. xD

And here is a picture of a famous beach in Auckland. As it’s autumn here, the weather has been questionable. But I still got a decent picture as I stood over Piha beach reflecting on life. As all good authors do.

Piha view

Hope everyone has had a lovely first half of the year!