Nothing Else

A photo

Taken on a walk where I was reflecting on how I don’t understand anything.

How nothing I do seems to be enough

How I’m the only one crying

How even though that’s the case, the sunset is still so beautiful and peaceful. 

ConfusionĀ 

Most days, I know what I want. I have a pretty good idea of how to get it.

And if I know I can’t get it, I accept that and move on.

But sometimes I feel so confused. How could I want something I know I absolutely cannot have. How could I continue to want it?

But I don’t really want it. I can’t picture myself having acquired it. It wouldn’t work. There’s no way. 

I want to be happy. I wouldn’t exactly be happy if I had it. I would in some ways, but I wouldn’t completely. 

But then again, I’m not happy now. 

I know what would make me happy. But wishful thinking is never a good thing. It stops you from being realistic. 

The bottom line is, it’s not going to happen. And I know that. I’m not going to get what I want. It wouldn’t be the right thing for me. 

Then why do I still feel like this. I fear that I would never stop feeling like this. Things could change. But everything keeps telling me that I wouldn’t truly stop wanting what I want. 

What’s the point. An exercise in futility. 

The 20s

Sometimes I think that being in your 20s is a very frustrating time in life. I mean, I have no frame of reference, but I just think it’s hard to be in your 20s.

When you’re 20 whatever, it’s a rather crucial point in life. You either have a lot of ideas of things you wanna do and places you wanna go but are frustrated because you can’t just get all those things done straight away. It takes time, money and freedom. Which very few people have if they’re still in uni or just starting out in a job they know isn’t where they want to ultimately end up.

Or you don’t have any sense of direction and no real plans because you’re sort of stuck in a position with multiple factors in limbo and are equally frustrated.

I mean. Career, future, friends, family, relationships, etc etc etc. It all starts now-ish.

And nothing makes it worse like when relatives or family friends ask you what your “plans” are.

I hate that question. Not because I don’t have any plans, but more because it’s annoying that they think I’m going to sit there and explain each bullet point of my 10 year plan that I have taped to the wall of my room or something. I don’t have anything like that by the way. But I don’t know why people think I do.

The expectations are high and things are changing rapidly. I remember less and less of my school days. The people especially. Some are gone. I have no idea where. Some are in the same situation as me, some are living large by travelling, etc. Some have turned into wild people (If you know what I mean). But we’re all the same age basically.

Oh God and some people are getting married. Which I suppose doesn’t mean much. Like I’m not going to over hype marriage like it is an achievement. If you found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with (hopefully), that’s great for you!  But that’s another expectation when you’re in your 20s. Start thinking about “settling down” (whatever that means). I think that’s an awful expectation. Like it is hard enough to work with some people in a professional sense let alone like them enough to talk to them outside of professional arena. I mean, if that’s how it is in a professional sense, how on earth are you meant to find someone likeable in general? I assume this is why we have things like Tinder these days. Like I literally have 4 people whose company I enjoy. Of course that might just be me. Because I hear that quite a few people my age are engaged, planning their weddings, deciding honeymoon locations and where they should work next year so that it best works with their wedding plans.

How weird is that? Well maybe it’s not weird. Maybe it’s normal. I wouldn’t know.

And that’s another thing when you’re in your 20s. You’re just starting to work. And everything that goes with that is a big shock. Working with others, the hours, the demands, etc. It’s all overwhelming. But also, you start to learn a whole bunch of things like learning when to say what, who to say it to, how to carry yourself, and you feel like you can do a lot, but you just can’t.

Where am I? I am frustrated. I sort of have ideas of things I would like to do. But no way of executing them any time soon. I’m still in uni. I have a huge student loan piling up. I have my parents to look after. My dad had started working when he was younger than me. He still is. I’d like to get him to retire. I would like to move. But little idea or potential of that with all the other plans. Sometimes I wonder if I’m too idle. Maybe I should take on extra things. Sometimes I envy those people who have done all of it and have their lives sorted in their 20s. Eughhhhhhh.

What am I doing everyday? the things that need to be done. Waking up, going to work, studying, watching videos, talking, and stressing. I feel like I’m waiting for something to happen. But of course it won’t for a while.

How am I supposed to deal with this frustration? I wish I could fast forward this messy part of my life. And skip to the part where things fall into place and everything will hopefully be okay.

Yeah. And I also want Santa Claus to be real.

Wishful thinking is not a good idea apparently. I’m basically doing each day as it comes. But meh. There’s always the underlying frustration of being stuck. It’s probably not eternal. But it is worrying how much might be different when I come out of it.

This isn’t to say I’m miserable. There are a lot of great things happening for me which I am always grateful for. But yeah. This is a weird time period for me. I guess I’m dealing with it by writing on here. 

Kinda helps.