Decisions, Decisions

How much do you believe in the cosmic concept of fate?

Do you believe you decide everything that happens to you, or do you believe everything that happens – even if it feels like you make decisions – is just how it’s meant to happen?

I probably believe in the latter.

I know I think really hard about making decisions (mostly) and then make them, but so many times, things have happened so that I feel I don’t really control what happens.

This isn’t a cop out. I absolutely take responsibility for every one of my decisions and face the consequences. But when you expect a certain outcome from experience and make a decision, and it still goes awry, it makes me think that maybe that’s just how it was meant to be.
I made a decision the other day. I made it with several things in mind. I made it for someone else.

But it was a bit of a risk. The outcome hasn’t become clear yet. As only time will tell that. But I can already kind of see that it may not have been the best decision for me and I’m likely to have some misery from it.

I made the decision anyway. I didn’t really think much about my own state or whether I’d be able to handle the consequences or even if there was any point in doing it.

I prioritised something else over my mental health, despite the fact that I was given something, and I chose to give it away. And knowing that this will probably bring me unhappiness.

And that made me think of the last few decisions I have made that ended up not so great, that I’m still paying for.

I wondered if I was messing with my fate by making these decisions that are so obviously causing ripples in my life. I wondered what would have happened if I had just let things be and the way they were handed to me.

But I figured, there’s not much point. The way I’m feeling now, it’s a bit like oh well let’s see how much I can screw up my life on my own and find out how much I can handle. If I’ve hit rock bottom by my own devices, then after that, the only way to go, is up.

I feel kind of okay about it.

Maybe these decisions are part of my fate. Maybe changing what I was given is what is meant to happen. And what I’m supposed to get, is really what I’m supposed to get. If it was meant to be any different, I wouldn’t have been able to go through with my decision. But the fact that I was, makes me think I was meant to face whatever happens because of it.

And if that’s more unhappiness,

well hey.

I’ve made it this far. Let’s see how much more I can take.

But I know that fate aside, every decision I make, is my responsibility. No one else can be blamed for the consequences coming.

Dying to see, how this one ends.