Self Pity

Can I just take a moment to pity myself?

I don’t like self pity. I don’t encourage it in anyone. But at the moment I’m feeling rather pathetic about the situation I’m in.

It’s not that I didn’t really see this coming. I kind of expected this to turn to custard. But I had still hoped that it maybe sorta kinda wouldn’t.

Well, I was wrong.

And I thought to myself well hey, gotta keep going anyway. How else can I screw up my life right? 

But today I just want to feel sorry for myself. That things are just not going well for me.

Just when are things going to be sort of acceptable? 

Or when the HELL am I going to be able to take a step back and look at this mess and be the kind of person who is unaffected or can actually deal with it?

So today I’m just going to pity the pathetic-ness that I and my current situation is

There are some things in life, “lessons” they call them, that I think I could have learnt without the shit experiences that you need to go through to have to learn them. 

Like if someone tried to teach me these lessons verbally, I would have happily believed and learnt them.

Ugh. 

Frustrations Of Daily Living

HD mentioned this phrase the other day. Frustrations of daily living. Or FDLs.

There are points every now and then when a lot of things come together and just make my mood quite low for a while. And I quite like this phrase of FDLs. Because that’s exactly what it feels like.

And how do I deal with them? Well I have many coping techniques and I’m quite resilient so basically I turn on my positive attitude and charge through!

Yeah… not even close.

How I seem to deal with these things, is by making a post on here about them. That way I write it all down and can take a step back and be like damn. It lessens the load a bit I think. 

1. The family dramas. That are more frequent than posts on social media about Donald Trump. And these are the worst because hey I can’t do anything about them. I can’t exactly leave and be like I don’t care. Because it’s family. Which automatically means I have to care and I have to be involved in whatever mess goes on. It sort of gets to the point where I get quite anxious when I think about returning home and being around the chaos. I wish I could develop amnesia or something. And then skip the country. Blech. Wishful thinking.

2. My CV and other career matters. Yep. Still haven’t made progress on the personal statement. But it’s not even that. I have to decide where I want to work next year. Which means I have to have a plan for the years after that too. Well, everyone expects me to anyway. And that also gives me a lot of anxiety because there’s currently this talk about me being relocated to somewhere due to family circumstances. And relating to point 1, I’m not sure I want to be a part of that movement. At all. Which makes me more nervous because that does sort of imply that I’m quite self-involved, etc. More Blechhs.
And then there’s the actual application itself. What I should be taking into account, the fear of getting good references, etc. I just don’t know what to expect for this whole applying thing. It’s all just overdone in my head at the moment.

3. This thing that constantly makes me so conflicted where I am rapidly running out of options to approach. Like I desperately want it to get better. But not knowing whether anything I’m doing is making a difference, not knowing if I’m making it worse, not knowing how things will end up, makes me quite… eugh.

4. The futility of some things in my life. I find more often than not, I work super hard on something, put in time, effort and care, etc., and I still fall short of my intended outcome. Yeah where med school is concerned. I work super hard on studying (I think) and assignments and I still don’t do all that well. The frustrating part is that I don’t really even know how to improve. And then the scary part is that I’ve tried everything I can think of, which maybe means that’s it. That’s my full capacity. Not distinction, but just a pass.
And yeah it’s probably not a big deal. I mean, I’ve been in med school for 6 years. The scores and things now won’t determine how I ultimately end up. But it’s just the principle behind it. And I’ll probably get over this before any of the other things here, but I do want to be bitter about life for a while and complain about the unfairness. Oh well.

5. Money matters. I am currently becoming quite concerned about finances. I can’t go into details but things are pretty scary at the moment in view of my trip overseas for my 8 week elective (which I’ll do a separate post about later). It’s another thing I can’t do much about yet. I’m not earning money properly till next year. So yep. I gotta just stay stressed.

6. Next Friday is a big deal. Waiting for the resolution of a problem. Which I’m pretty sure will work out and I’m hoping desperately will come before next Friday. But until then, I’ll be stressing about it.

But yeah. Sorry this post is a bit of a downer. And honestly, my life is fine. I’m not falling apart or anything and this stuff comes and goes in waves. But sometimes I find complaining about it, (or posting about it) helps.

Oh My Goodness PeopleĀ 

You know how you watch movies or TV shows about people doing things and you think Eugh how dramatic. People aren’t really like that. It’s not realistic at all.

But when you actually hear and see such things in real life of what people do, you can’t help think those movies and TV shows downplayed it at best. 

People can be shocking sometimes. 

Reminded me of what one of my consultants in Melbourne said.

“You just cannot make up the things people actually do”

And that is so true.

He also says “You try to help people and they just screw with you”

Also very true sometimes.