Sometimes I think, wouldn’t it be great to have memory loss?

Like amnesia. Like short term memory loss.

Okay I know that sounds horrible. Like of course it would be horrendous if you or your family members forget who they are or where they live or their closest relatives, etc.

But just think.

What if you could forget your most embarrassing moments? What if you couldn’t remember the people that screwed you over? Or the actual events that wrecked your life? What if you could forget the grudges?

I would love that.

I remember everything. Well, not everything. Let’s say I remember a lot of useless stuff. Do I remember what nerve powers dorsiflexion of the foot? Nope.

But do I remember what someone was wearing the day they yelled at me and made me feel terrible? 

Yep and yep and oh God why.

Sometimes I just wish I could forget things. I don’t know why I bother remembering certain things. It’s not a conscious decision, I can tell you that. Some part of my brain just decides to retain info that isn’t really going to do much other than bring back the feelings surrounding that info vividly.

That’s another thing. It’s not just oh yeah I remember that. It’s more like oh my God remember when that happened and I felt…

Which is really unnecessary. There are enough emotions in the present to deal with without having an emotional back log too.

I just wish I could forget a lot of the stuff I remember. Most of it though has a lot less impact on me, which is good. But I wish I could forget it all completely.

Don’t you?

The Poison 

Do you know what the funny thing about anger is? It’s the most aggressive slow-killing poison in the world. 

Anger at someone else, grudges, revenge, negative thoughts, etc etc. Are all ingredients for the perfect poison. 

But the real funny part.. is that you can only use this poison to kill yourself. 

Someone upset you. Someone annoyed you. They hurt you, offended you and so on. You get angry. Your muscles all start contracting, your heart starts pumping like crazy, the adrenaline seeps through your body and brain causing every nerve to tense up in response and puts strain on your body and your mind. The Poison has entered. 

It leaves behind a trail. The memory you have of this incident. Every time you remember, it all starts again. You see someone or something and it just literally burns you up from the inside out. 

Meanwhile, the other person walks away. Completely healthy. Completely unaffected by all the detrimental effects going on in your body. Endorphins flowing freely through their system no problem. 

Isn’t that funny?

When someone makes you angry, don’t you want to hurt them in some way? Sure. But what do you end up doing? Just taking more of your slow poison. Again and again and again. 

You getting angry isn’t going to change them. It isn’t going to change what happened. It’s just going to stress you and your body out every time. 

Especially if you hold onto a trace of the poison somewhere in your memory. It’s pretty much an unlimited supply. 

It’s a slow and painful suicide. 

Yes I can appreciate it’s not exactly something you can control. But you can atleast try to stop taking the poison multiple times. It’s just not affecting anyone except you. And not in a good way. 

I don’t wanna die that way. It’s just not worth it.