In My Head

People always talk about a utopia/dystopia whereby you could read other people’s minds or people would say exactly what they’re thinking to everyone every single moment of every day

People talk about this being ideal and not ideal for various different reasons

But lately I feel like the only thing worse than the scenario above is when I am genuinely trying to convey my feelings and the truth as best as I know how, and the people around me either don’t listen, don’t believe, or don’t want to understand.

You’d think the challenge would be trying to get someone to tell you what they’re feeling. Not having people not wanting to hear what you’re feeling.

Feel like I’m just another one of these clowns at an arcade. Being hit on the head, told to get back in my hole when I try to say something about my feelings


I feel weird.

Have you heard of PTSD? Post traumatic stress disorder?

It’s a psychiatric condition whereby a person had witnessed or been involved in a traumatic event, and in the days, weeks, months following, they experience distressing symptoms relating to the event.

Flashbacks where they relive the event over and over, a phenomenon where it feels like they are literally transported back in time to that event.

Nightmares featuring the event and possible sub-events or other outcomes relating to that event.

Avoidance behaviours, They try to avoid places or people directly related to said event.


Why do I bring this up? I think I have something of this sort.

No traumatic event, thankfully. Well yeah I’ve had traumatic stuff happen to me, but at the moment, I’m having flashbacks about a good time.

Is that weird?

I have been having literal flashbacks about a time period/event/thing that was really good. The reason is, it’s not good anymore. Maybe that’s why?

It was my graduation day. It was the day sort of before and after my graduation. I keep remembering how content/hopeful I was. Things happened over those days that I know won’t happen again.

Now I am sad. But my brain keeps replaying those days over and over in my dreams and in my day dreams.

I. Don’t. Know. Why.

I think my mind is broken right now. It’s really not functioning very well. I may as well be an automaton.

I wonder if it’s just my brain’s way of processing some of the yucky things happening now. But I can’t figure out why I keep thinking about those few days.

The reason it’s worrying is because I am kind of yearning to go back to those few days. And feel okay and content and hopeful. I don’t have any of those feelings currently. It’s almost like things now have undone all those good feelings back then. And yearning is definitely not a good thing. It’s hard to deal with because it’s a continuous cycle of oh man that’s in the past and it’s never coming back. And things now aren’t going to be that good.

Which is not a good state to be in.

So I guess this is a weird reversed PTSD? Like a PGTSD? Post good things stress disorder?

I don’t know. This doesn’t make much sense. I am very tired.