people

Stop To Be Grateful

Posted on by abracadabra25

Been super busy lately. Trying to balance everything and trying to pace myself.

Keeping up with project work, study, exam practice, work, exercise, family and friends, and self-care time is all a lot.

I’m trying to be very careful not to burn out too quickly. So far I’m doing okay but I do have waves of feeling overwhelmed.

But in all my feelings of fear and being overwhelmed, I need to stop to be grateful for the people around me right now. I didn’t quite make enough space for that.

I had to stop today and just reflect for a little while on how great everyone around me has been, lately.

SS, who never turns down an opportunity to hang out with me, no matter how short notice. Willing to go on practically any adventure with me.

AA, who checks in whenever she can, always has something positive to say and showed me immense loyalty when our trust was tested. Still telling me I’ve done nothing wrong and encouraging me to stay positive and keep going. Making plans with me to go to exciting places and have fun

Sc who never tires of talking to me or hearing about my troubles, offering advice and sharing stories and consistently telling me how much hope she has for my success.

R, who has become my partner in crime in every way. Planning all the best trips together, studying together, laughing together, complaining together, listening to the best music together. R has enriched my life in so many ways.

M, who inspires me with her persistence and energy. Her positivity and loyalty, she keeps reminding me to be aware of “how great I am” and how much I’ve achieved, even when I don’t believe it myself. M cheers me on relentlessly. And it means so much to me.

Nat, who is continuing to inspire me with the way she leads life and still making effort to have the best time when we meet up. Leaving me on a high note every time we interact.

HN, who is just there. Always, consistently, constantly, just there. HN’s gentle words and demeanour. He always knows just what to say. His patience as I rattle on about the same problem I’m having for the 50 millionth time, but responds as though he’s not tired of it at all, is astounding. HN gets me. One of those people who would never leave you on seen, and would respond to each message even if they were on different topics. Because he cares. It means the whole world to me to have HN in my life, I would be lost without his constant presence and support. Taking the time out of his life to coach me through different exam techniques and being there to practice with me until I get it right.

TA, who has been so supportive, the only one of my friends who not only read something I had published but also commented on it publicly to improve my ratings. He’s been spending every weekend with me doing focused exam practice. Time he’s dedicated to me so I would do well in the exam. I cannot describe my gratitude for this.

J, who continues to coach me in life. Who is always just one phone call away whether I’m stressed, happy, having a meltdown, anything. J is a phone call away with the best advice, best support, best stories.

G, who is my oldest friend, who I’ve known for a majority of the time I’ve been alive, still sticking around, still making so much effort to keep in touch, to hang out, to share stories and laughs. His kindness, his willingness to drop everything to be there for me if I need him, is so special. It’s such a blessing to have had a friend last this long.

L, who is on an entirely different track in life than me but still manages to keep in touch and meet up with me and share her stories about life. She encourages me all the time and also keeps me from overthinking too much.

B, who keeps in touch every day sharing stories and being supportive when I need to rant or he needs to rant or we both need to rant. Sharing hacks for the job to each other to get through the day. It’s rare to have someone who gets more angry about your situation than you do. It’s really nice.

And T. T, who, despite distance and time, manages to brighten my day without fail. T still puts in effort despite that geographical distance between us. T has an uncanny ability to know when I’m down or having a rough day, and tends to send me something – a post, a video, a meme, a kind few words, a story. Anything, and it instantly improves my day. I don’t think T has any idea how much of an impact this has on my life. How much I value his friendship. T has become my happy place. I’m so grateful to him.

I read over all of this and I think to myself how grateful I am to have these wonderful people who care about me, who make life worth living, who believe in me, who cheer me on. They make me want to be a better person everyday. They remind me that I am someone worth caring about. All of these people are a mere text or phone call away if I need them.

And so no matter how overwhelmed I get, it helps to stop for a second and think about all of my lovely friends who help me get through the day and keep trying. I pull the good vibes they bring around me like a blanket. And I think it’ll be okay.

A photo captured on one of my adventures with SS.

What I’m Learning

Posted on by abracadabra25

So this week was fun. My new favourite person is my geriatrics consultant.

Dr. AB is a hoot. He’s unlike any other geriatrician I have met. My first impression of him, having learned that he has dual trained in immunology and geriatrics was that he probably cares less about geriatrics than he does immunology. But this week, I realised that was quite incorrect.

My house officer and I listened to him talk for 10 minutes straight about how important a collateral history is and what it actually means to look after an elderly person in medicine. I hadn’t before had the insights he was mentioning and it really made me think back to my time and general medicine and wonder if I had done my patients justice thinking about the issues concerning their health beyond the medical problems. In terms of studying for the exam, everything he was saying was gold and I was hanging on every word.

I told him about a review I saw for a patient to be taken over by my team, and I told Dr. AB that the surgical team looking after the patient was struggling with a couple of the patient’s medical issues. I had reviewed the patient and made a medical plan but told Dr. AB that the medical issues probably meant he wouldn’t be appropriate for admission to the geriatrics rehab ward. Dr. AB surprised me by saying, “A, what are the surgeons going to do about those issues, though? Let’s take him over.”

It caught me off guard because every other hospital I’ve worked at has taught me that geriatrics cannot handle looking after patients with any sort of active medical issue. Patients need to be pristine and stable to be able to have rehabilitation.

But Dr. AB said, “A, you’ve written a great plan, and you’ve identified all the right issues for this patient. So why shouldn’t we look after him? I like doing medicine. Let’s bring him down and sort him out. The surgeons won’t, and general medicine won’t help them, either. The patient will just sit there for weeks and decondition. We may as well.”

And I honestly loved that. To hear him say, “I like doing medicine,” was actually quite inspiring. All my stereotypes about geriatricians just melted away. Here was a physician who didn’t follow the norm of only being a rehab service and actually cared about increasing turnover at the hospital and helping out our surgical colleagues who were clearly struggling with a patient. He didn’t need to do that. He could’ve said, “Nope, too unstable, let them work him up a bit further and see how it goes.” That would’ve been the easy option, and nobody would’ve called him up on that. This is a person who challenges himself and his team to provide appropriate care for a patient. Who believes he is just as able as any other doctor in medicine to look after acute medical issues.

His pragmatic but holistic plans for all our patients made me feel confident in navigating this specialty that I haven’t worked in before.

He’s also very gentle and reassuring. When I discussed my clinic patients with him, he told me he was happy with my plans but also reassured me when I was unsure, and frankly worried about the welfare of one of my patients with new onset dementia who lives alone and was refusing to be admitted to a rest home for increased care. Dr. AB taught me how to handle a situation like that and I was impressed with how much he knew and how extensive his management plan was, and so-called “safety-netting” of the patient in case her situation was to deteriorate.

I really enjoying how much I’m learning on this rotation already. I enjoy working with a physician like Dr. AB. When I rounded with him at the end of the week and our new patient told him I’ve looked after him well, Dr. AB said “yes, she’s very competent. She’s done a great job.” I felt super happy.

Receiving a compliment like that from a physician like him, was quite special.

I can’t wait to learn more from him over the next few months. And in between work talk, he also gushes about his passion for surfing. Honestly, what a cool dude.

Stab Of Fear

Posted on by abracadabra25

A bit overwhelmed at the moment. I knew this would happen when I moved back to Auckland and started up my exam study again. So I’m just going to write about it.

I ran into a friend of mine at work today. A haematology registrar, N, who I’ve known since I was a 4th year medical student. I’ve worked with him on and off for years and we’d become good friends when I did haematology as a rotation 2 years ago now.

Wow. It’s been 2 years since haematology. Holy heck that feels so weird. The most tumultuous time of my life and it feels so long ago and weirdly distant. Guess things really do look smaller in the rearview mirror.

Anyway, I ran into him and he seemed surprised to see me. He enquired what I’m doing and I told him I’m doing a geriatrics rotation and…. this is my third time to sit the exam.

He knew. The look he gave me was of absolute understanding. N had also failed his exam twice. He failed his written exam twice, then his clinical exam twice. He, like me, had a specialty he was dedicated to and he persisted until he passed his exam and got onto haematology training. Third time lucky.

He said “I’ve been there, A. You’ll get there.”

It was really sweet. He stood in the corridor giving me tips on how to get going.

But then after the conversation, I felt unexpectedly heavy. So far I’ve been practicing and my senior colleagues have told me I’m tracking along well and I will be fine. But I also should have been “fine” the last two times. And this is my last attempt.

Dr. ZR told me to get out of my head. I’ve certainly gotten better at that. But today I entertained thoughts of how this is my last attempt, how nothing is certain and I could fail again and never be able to do gastro, etc, etc. I felt a stab of fear.

But I tried not to push them away instantly. They wore me down a bit, I felt overwhelmed. But I also made room for those feelings. They indicate that I care about this. I care about passing, I care about focus, study, keeping calm, cutting out nonsense, and just doing the best I can with what I have.

The chair of the gastroenterology committee, a God of endoscopy, told me after I had failed my exam that he too had failed his exam twice. And he understood what it meant but he also said he thought I would get through it. I remember that conversation often when I get down. I remember his reassurance that he would prioritise my returning to gastro training when I pass. Not if. When.

I just need to sit with my feelings today. And that’s okay. I acknowledge them. They are real. But I don’t need to focus on them. There are a million things that could happen. But there’s also a chance that a lot of those things could be good and I will come out on top. I just need to believe that.

Moving back to Auckland really has brought back a lot of those old haunts. I do spend a significant amount of time noticing thoughts that I was free of in Palmy, coming back a bit. I’m better at noticing them now, and so they don’t affect me as much as they used to. But it does alert me to the fact that I may no longer belong here. And I’ll need to make some decisions around that after this 6 months is over.

And that is overwhelming too. But making room for my thoughts, then moving my focus back to the present of what needs to be done, helps me get through.

Writing also helps me get through. Writing in the now. Being in the now. Taking the moments as they come.

Tortured Poets Department

Posted on by abracadabra25

Hold it, drop everything. Taylor Swift announced a new album coming out in April!!!!!!

Okay so, this morning when R and I woke up, we saw TS having updated her profile photo to a black and white aesthetic. The instant thought we both had when we messaged each other was “Oh my GOD REPUTATION TAYLOR’S VERSION IS COMING!!!!” and we spent all day musing on what new tracks will be attached to the album.

By the time we had finished work, the announcement was out! R and I simultaneously sent the same screenshot to each other. TS is releasing a new album called “Tortured Poets Department” and it has the same black and white aesthetic and it’s coming in April!!!

R and I didn’t quite know how to feel about this after hyping ourselves up for Reputation. Low-key disappointed that wasn’t the announcement made when she won her 13th Grammy. It felt very much like a Reputation moment.

But a new album announcement is indeed creating much excitement for us both! We started theorising on what this new album will bring.

And then when we got home, we found that TS won Album of the Year at the 66th Grammy awards and it was everything.

Watching her speech on YouTube was so lovely. No secret that Taylor Swift is one of my idols but whenever I watch her give a speech, I’m always blown away by how genuine she is about everything she says. Her genuine gratitude to her best friend and producer, Jack Antanoff, and gratitude and hype for a fellow female artist, Lana Del Ray was very obvious. It’s quite admirable. Telling the crowd that all she wants to do is make music, was just poetic. Her passion is something else. With Karma playing as she walked up to receive her award, it was very fitting. Super happy for her haul at the Grammys.

Super excited for TPD – Have no idea what to expect from this new album but I think that’ll be part of the fun.

The best part is, I was secretly hoping Reputation TV would release later in the year.. and now it seems like that might in fact be the case!

A good day of fangirling over Taylor swift

PSA: Health Insurance

Posted on by abracadabra25

One of the things I’ve learnt over the last 5 years of being a doctor is how important it is to have health insurance.

Now, this may vary depending on your part of the world, but in NZ, the public healthcare system is free. A lot of GP practices are subsidised.

But, the public health system is stretched beyond capacity and then some.

The health system is not here for you. And so I bring you this urgent PSA – Get yourself health insurance.

It really doesn’t matter if you are young/fit/healthy. After working in haematology, I realised that nobody is safe from getting a leukaemia or lymphoma. There are no predictive factors. It can happen to anybody, young and old, with or without family history.

And the reason I bring you this PSA, is because a friend of mine, whom I’ve nagged for years to get health insurance, failed to do so and is currently in a difficult situation.

Of course the public health system is the best way to go if you have an emergency or life-threatening illness, and all of that is covered including follow up. But there are some things that the public system just isn’t the right place for.

My friend is a fit and well 28 year old female who gets occasional tension headaches. But over the last couple of years, she had been complaining about one-sided headaches, nausea and vomiting. Which I advised was probably migraines and she saw her GP who agreed and started her on migraine treatment. However, unbeknownst to me, over the last year while I had been in palmy, she’d had a couple of admissions to hospital with similar headaches, but with weakness in her arm or leg.

Now, hemiplegic migraines are definitely a thing – where you get focal neurological symptoms that look like a stroke but are actually connected to your headache and usually resolve once the headache is gone. Which was the case for my friend.

But during a more recent episode, she told me she had developed weakness and numbness, that did not resolve once her headache went away. That’s a bit more concerning.

She went to see her GP again who raised the question of possible new diagnosis of multiple sclerosis. And referred her to the hospital again, for a neurology opinion.

My friend called me up after waiting in ED for 16 hours.

Yep. SIXTEEN hours. Without being seen. She called me to ask if she should continue to wait or just leave.

I was super annoyed that I hadn’t been called earlier, so rushed in to ED where she was, to check on her. She seemed overall fine, but I wasn’t happy about the fact that she couldn’t make a proper fist and reported numbness and tingling in her arm. She hadn’t been seen, nor had she had any preliminary scans.

I flexed my doctor status, tapped the shoulder of an ED reg I know, and got my friend through the CT scanner. The scan was normal, but both the ED reg and I agreed that my friend would be better off seeing a neurologist directly and she would need an MRI scan to diagnose MS.

Auckland is organised a bit weirdly in that the only neurology service available is at Auckland city hospital. Everywhere else, you’d get a neuro consultation once a day from a visiting neurologist. Or you’ll be seen in clinic. After discussing with the on call neuro reg, the ED registrar confirmed that they wanted an outpatient referral and my friend should go home.

We were all a bit uncomfortable with the fact that she couldn’t be admitted and see a neurologist on Monday, but she was thoroughly exhausted waiting in ED and convinced us that the weakness was improving.

She’s currently awaiting an outpatient neurology appointment. I have a good friend in neurology who confirmed that the waiting on that appointment would be at least 3 months.

Three months.

If someone had raised a question about multiple sclerosis for me, I’d want to know about it today. It’s an extremely debilitating, chronic condition and it’s life altering.

The difference here is, if my friend had health insurance, she would’ve seen a neurologist privately with an MRI scan in a matter of days.

She never expected she would be in this position. She told me she didn’t think she needed health insurance because she’s fit and well.

But this is the kind of thing that could happen to practically anyone. And afterwards, it’s too late.

A friend of mine, her father had newly diagnosed prostate cancer, but the wait for oncology appointments and PET scans in the public system was so long that his daughters banded together and paid for the scans and appointments privately.

That stuff doesn’t come cheap. And all could have been avoided if he had health insurance. He also thought he was fit and healthy and didn’t need it.

Insurance isn’t cheap. I accept that. But things like this, if they happen, end up being way more than a few extra dollars every month to pay for insurance. Don’t think it won’t ever be you. Nobody is really that safe.

Definitely from my perspective as a doctor, I’ve seen enough young people struggle through the long waits and limited resources in the public system to make this PSA post and tell all my friends and family to get health insurance. The health system just isn’t able to provide services like this when there are many people with life threatening illnesses that need urgent care.

If I hadn’t gone down to ED and found someone I know, to fast track my friend, she might have been waiting even longer to be seen, or left before seeing anyone. It does happen.

It’s just good sense to have health insurance.

Be safe out there, folks!

First Week: The Pace

Posted on by abracadabra25

I’ve successfully completed one week of adjusting to life back in Auckland.

It has been weird. Returning to my own room at home, getting my car back, sleeping in my own bed, seems both familiar and unfamiliar.

My first week on geriatrics has also been super interesting.

Since my difficult experience in Geriatrics as a medical student, I’ve actively tried to avoid working in the specialty since I graduated.

But as the law of attraction goes, you’ll attract what you don’t like, and as fate would have it, I’ve landed a job as a geriatrics registrar for the next 6 months.

But I’ve got to say, after this one week, I regret not having done this rotation sooner.

The geriatrics job at Northshore hospital is really great. Good hours, wonderful for study time, the nurses on my ward are so pleasant and helpful, my colleagues are lovely and my consultant is brilliant.

My consultant is both a geriatrician and an immunologist. This is a very interesting combination, and I’m yet to learn how he came to the decision to specialise in these two areas.

But he’s also lovely and very knowledgeable. I learnt a lot from our first ward round together and on our second ward round, he asked me to see a couple of the patients and told me afterwards at my start-of-run meeting that my patient manner is excellent and my plans seem sensible.

That was a big compliment coming from a geriatrician to me.

For so long, I had made snide jokes about geriatrics and how it’s not very interesting, and I could never do the job.

But I’m realising now how ignorant that was. Geriatrics can be very interesting. The pace at which I’ve worked this week is so different to how I’ve been doing medicine for the last 5 years. I’ve been practising one-problem medicine for a really long time and used to pride myself on my efficiency. And while I do also make an effort to address other health issues patients may have, on geriatrics, I’m getting more of a sense of the big picture and the real meaning of providing holistic medicine. And I have the time to do that on geris. I’m really slowing down and taking the time to have a think about the patient in front of me.

It gives me satisfaction to be able to address the many issues that have contributed to an elderly person ending up in hospital and trying to improve as much as I can for them.

Not to mention, geriatric patients are adorable. They are so sweet and each of them has their own little quirk, and while I previously thought I’d find it annoying to deal with that sort of thing, in the last few days, I’ve actually quite enjoyed it.

They also come with the cutest stories sometimes.

If I could dance at 84, I’d be quite thrilled about that. This history gave me a giggle.

There’s also a lot of time to get to know my team and my fellow registrars at Northshore hospital. My team and I spend coffee breaks out by the lake near the hospital where the views are just stunning.

I could totally get used to this vibe.

There were so many familiar faces being back in Auckland. Many of the registrars I knew before my time in Palmy greeted me, asked about my progress, and told me they were really glad I was back in Auckland. That was nice to hear.

I’ve hit the ground running with my exam study also, catching up with Dr. ZR, who is as encouraging as ever and ready to help me get through this exam.

I feel very good about the upcoming days on geris. It’s nice to have this time, this break, this focus.

Though I must say, I miss Palmy. And one of the BIG things I’ve had to readjust to on returning to Auckland is being stuck in traffic for one hour for a normally 15min driving distance. After getting everywhere I needed to go in Palmy in under 10mins, this was a rude shock.

But thankfully, my Palmy friends have managed to keep in touch. R checked in with me everyday this week, regaling me of tales of Wellington and when I lamented to T that I was stuck in the parking building trying to leave Northshore hospital for 40 mins, he called me up to keep me company during my long journey home. Or to use his words, “keep me entertained”. That he did. And I’m so grateful.

Here’s to keeping this pace and this vibe going for the next few months.

You’re On Your Own, Kid

Posted on by abracadabra25

My first day at Northshore hospital in Auckland went really well.

Historically, first days are awful. It’s always unpleasant being the new member on the team, disappearing for hours on end to sort out work admin or attend orientations, not knowing the patients, dealing with IT glitches, trying to read the room and everyone in it, it’s a lot.

Pretty much all of my friends told me how nervous they were about starting their new jobs today.

I told them all the same thing, “first days are always lame. And then that day will pass, and it’ll be okay.”

I’ve long since accepted that first days, even first weeks are lame. But a few of my friends really worked themselves up into anxiety and stress about starting in a new hospital, in a new position. I tried to reassure most of them as best as I could. None of my friends really had anything to worry about. They are all wonderful doctors and more than capable.

But it’s the nature of the job. The people that choose medicine (myself included), are hardcore type A personalities who really struggle with change, anxiety, expecting too much of themselves, not coping well with failure, etc. And as such, something like this tends to stress most doctors out.

And it occurred to me today, how little support doctors really have.

This comes on the back of 2 incidents today. One of them, a good friend of mine who is an orthopedic registrar, drove herself to tears worrying about starting at work today. She is by far the best orthopedic registrar I know and I couldn’t understand why she was so afraid. I reassured her as best as I could that it would all be okay, and when I ran into her today, she told me she was having a great day because her house officer was lovely and helped her around today and her nurse talked her through all the systems. That alone made her day better. It struck me that it was really that little bit of support from colleagues that was enough to melt her stress away.

The second incident is that I was looking forward to working in the same hospital as my favourite registrar. This registrar raised me from when I was a baby house officer. He has been a mentor, a rock for me through all my years of work. Even 6 months ago when I had failed my exam, he took me out for coffee and encouraged me to try again, to take the job at Palmerston North and tried to coach me through my failure. I always make an effort to organise a catch up with him when he’s free. So today, I messaged him to ask if he would be free for a catch up. To my shock and dismay, he replied saying he had been stood down from work due to depression and burnout.

I couldn’t believe it. I had known for a long time that he had been struggling with work intermittently, but I had never thought he of all people, would end up here. I’d always looked up to him. He had never seemed fazed by chaos. He always told me “A, you just gotta play the game.” whenever I got worked up and stressed about the little things. I still sometimes think to myself, what would he do? when I approach challenges at work.

To hear he had become depressed and burnt out, it broke my heart. Not because he wasn’t at work or was unable to work, but because he absolutely does not deserve to go through this.

I’ve been there. And I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, least of all, him.

It occurred to me then that I was so shocked he was in this state and I would never expected this, and that’s because so many doctors put on a happy face and show up to work because they have to. Nobody really checks in on you. If you seem “fine”, you are fine. You’re expected to be fine. Everyone is too busy to actually check if you’re okay. You’re expected to suck it up and show up and fix all the broken humans.

And I hate that. The system let down my friend. The system doesn’t help all my friends who stressed endlessly about their first day of work. The system expects you to wring yourself dry to keep the system going. And I really hate that.

Another registrar had just today put up a post of how much she had struggled over the last 6 months being a new mum and working full time in a training position. How nobody had really asked her if she was okay or offered help with her hours in order to accommodate her caring for her child. Women in particular, if they work, are all expected to be super-mums. It’s their choice to work and therefore their responsibility to figure it out. Just like it was their choice to have a child. While maternity leave is a thing, returning mothers don’t get less hours or lighter duties or accommodations made for their childcare. The most they get is discount on daycare when their child is the right age.

Until then, you’re on your own, kid.

It saddens me that this is the state of the system I work in. I had to drag myself out of the depths of my misery multiple times and show up for work and watch how many of my colleagues take stress leave or just quit medicine from how poorly they’ve been treated by a system that literally could not care less if you’re alive or dead, as long as there is cover for your shift.

I’m very sad for my friend. But in the grand scheme of things, I’m grateful he is able to take a break after years of working as hard as he had. It reminded me of how important it is to not make this profession the centre of my life. And also really look out for your friends and colleagues, even if they seem “fine”. I reached out to him and he said he was grateful I had. I told him I hoped to see him again soon and that I would be there no matter what.

Gastro Farewell Party

Posted on by abracadabra25

You’re probably tired of hearing me gush about Palmerston North. But I will not get tired of it.

Every time I think I’ve experienced the nicest things about this place and its people, I get bested by more wonderful things.

The entire gastro department rallied together to organise a farewell dinner for me. All the consultants and all the nurses and house officers and registrars showed up. Including my consultant who had retired, had all come together on a glorious evening, to celebrate my time at Palmerston North.

There were speeches, and I gave a thank you speech, trying and failing to express how grateful I was. They all toasted me and my time with the department. They all came up to me individually and thanked me for my work, and told me how much they’d miss me and how much they hoped I would return.

I tried to tell them all individually how much I appreciated them, too. My consultants told me I’d do really well wherever I ended up and hoped I enjoyed my time.

It was all amazing. We laughed so much around the table and talked very little about work. Talked more about ourselves as people, and I felt that I had a friend in everyone who had made the effort to attend.

I’ve never had so many ppl come together for me. I’ve never had so many people care and appreciate me this much. I couldn’t find the words to tell them what this evening meant to me. What the last 6 months has meant to me.

I will be grateful forever.

Farewell Party

Posted on by abracadabra25

Weird thing as you move around New Zealand. Most regions have their own “anniversary weekend” which is a public holiday long weekend.

I’m used to the Auckland anniversary weekend which is in a week’s time, but I hadn’t realised Palmy follows Wellington’s anniversary weekend which happened to be this weekend.

So I have an unexpected day off today, which is great because I need to clean my apartment entirely and pack in preparation to move back to Auckland.

But also, yesterday, my Palmy reg friends organised a farewell gathering for all the registrars which was lovely. But what I didn’t realise until I got there was that this was a party to farewell me and another registrar who is leaving Palmy.

Which was just about the sweetest thing ever. They had planned a little outdoor barbecue at a park with Taylor Swift playing in my honour, balloons, cake, little speeches, and they even got me and the other registrar a present.

My Palmy friends had gotten me an engraved pen with my name and “gastro registrar” written on it. Honestly, I almost cried again.

We hung out and talked well into the night after the park had closed with our cellphone flashlights being the only light source, laughing away on wooden park benches, talking about everything big and small.

My friends told me they’d loved having me around and that they’d miss me immensely when I leave. They told me I was definitely going to pass the exam and shouldn’t think of myself as anything other than a gastro registrar and soon-to-be gastro consultant. I told them how much I appreciate all they’d done for me and how grateful I am to have met them all and how much I hope we’ll reunite again on fun getaways and trips that we planned that night.

It was so wonderful. I really hadn’t expected them to go to all the trouble. All my favourite people, T, R, S and Z were there, making me laugh, feel heard and happy and really cherish the present.

I would remember that night forever. I am so grateful to these people who have changed my life. We have a lot more fun planned for this last week coming up, but this night was something special.

What Do You Want?

Posted on by abracadabra25

Well, here I am again, trying to figure out my latest predicament.

It’s been a week and a bit since my blog post had been used to blow up a friendship. I guess on the day that it happened, I was angry and needed to process. But now I just need to reflect.

In this saga of me and H, it’s just hard to know what he wants.

And it’s really hard because I know what I want. I just don’t know how to get there.

I’ve always wanted us to be friends. I’ve wanted us to be a team and trust each other and I’ve wanted H to know how much I’ll always care about him.

But I have no idea what he wants. When H made contact again, he told me he didn’t know what he wanted. But that he wanted the resentment between us to end. He told me he hasn’t become a “better person” in the last few months and he wasn’t sure I would be able to “put up” with that anymore.

Which was entirely frustrating. Because I’ve never wanted him to be a “better” person. And I’ve never thought of being his friend as “putting up” with him. I’ve heard him say this to me so many times over the years and in my head I always thought maybe I’m not being clear enough about how I feel. Maybe that’s why he feels this way.

But that’s wrong. I haven’t been subtle or secretive about how I feel or how committed I am to this relationship. I’ve always thought the world of him. Flaws and all. I’ve never wanted him to change. So when he said that to me again, I told him that just shows he doesn’t know what he wants.

But more, it shows how out of sync we are.

Before he started to bring K in the middle of our relationship, we knew each other extremely well. He knew when I was upset, or angry or tired and I knew any time he was upset, annoyed, tired, happy. I could read his responses, his body language, his mood, even a slight change in tone from text messages. We were really close. But now, we can barely respond to each other properly.

He told me it wasn’t the right time for us to move on because our interactions seemed very shallow and there is still a lot of anger there about everything that had happened. And it wouldn’t take much to fall out again. We both were ready to jump out if things seemed to be too difficult. And I agreed with that. And he still hadn’t been able to tell me what he wanted.

But despite this, H made contact again over the holidays. We talked about some normal things. I’ll admit to the fact that it felt good to do so. It felt comfortable. And I let myself believe that this could be okay.

I didn’t question why H changed his mind. I didn’t ask what he wanted again. I wanted to trust him. And convince myself that maybe this was an okay time to try move forward. H put in effort. He wanted to catch up. He actually wanted me to meet someone important to him. And that went entirely well.

Except it was then quickly followed by the debacle with K. And it all went to custard and H blocked me again.

And that’s when I realised what a horrible mistake I had made. I didn’t question it. I filled the gaps in my head again with all the things he hadn’t said. I took his talking to me to mean that he was going to try to fix things. I took it to mean our relationship was important to him. I took his wanting to catch up to mean he understood my intentions and our relationship was worth putting effort in. I put in effort back. I really thought if I went along with it, his intentions and what he wanted would become clear.

But no. Fundamentally, breaching my confidence, breaking my trust and bringing K into our relationship yet again, knowing that’s what broke us up last time, knowing that I would be hurt by that, and doing it anyway, was not okay. It wasn’t trying to repair or put in effort. And because I hadn’t explicitly asked, because I hadn’t told him these are the things I’m not okay with, he had no issue doing it.

He never said he would stop doing this. And I hadn’t asked. We hadn’t had a proper conversation about how to move forward and I hadn’t asked. That was wrong.

I’ve told him plenty of times before. Over the last couple of years, we’d had this argument several times of how I’ve never wanted someone else to come in between us. My conversations with H are not to be shared with a third person, we must have a circle of confidence, etc. And H hadn’t ever respected that. And I do not know why. It isn’t an unreasonable thing to ask of your best friend. Or of anyone you care about. I do not know why K became so important that this was okay. But if she were in fact more important than me, then why does H bother to continue trying to rectify our situation? And if I’m important, why is it hard to say what you want? Why is it hard to try to respect the things I want?

I don’t know the answers to these questions. My therapist once again asked me whether I acknowledge the fact that there are many uncertainties in our relationship. I acknowledge that I don’t know which way this will go. And I’ve been doing well, conditioning myself to block out a lot of the emotions related to H. But when I do think about it, it makes me quite sad. Because this relationship is so important to me. You don’t go through 8 years of your life valuing someone so much and then give up on that without a fight. I don’t want to feel this resentment. I don’t want to feel sad. His blocking me, is another thing he always does to make me feel bad about our situation. But frankly, it’s just another sign that now isn’t the time. It’s just not. Will I give up trying to rectify our relationship? I’m not sure. When I break my feelings down right to the base of it all, I still cannot hate H. I would still always want to repair what we had. I still want to be in sync with him. I want to be able to trust. But I can’t do that unless I know what he wants. And stop filling the gaps in my head to try to make a situation better when I know it’s not what I would want.

Nothing to be done but see how things go. Life is just like that sometimes.