Why She Disappeared

When she fell, she fell apart.
Cracked her bones on the pavement she once decorated
as a child with sidewalk chalk
When she crashed, her clothes disintegrated and blew away
with the winds that took all of her fair-weather friends

When she looked around, her skin was spattered with ink
forming the words of a thousand voices
Echoes she heard even in her sleep:
“Whatever you say, it is not right.”
“Whatever you do, it is not enough.”
“Your kindness is fake.”
“Your pain is manipulative.”

When she lay there on the ground,
She dreamed of time machines and revenge
and a love that was really something,
Not just the idea of something.

When she finally rose, she rose slowly
Avoiding old haunts and sidestepping shiny pennies
Wary of phone calls and promises,
Charmers, dandies and get-love-quick-schemes

When she stood, she stood with a desolate knowingness
Waded out into the dark, wild ocean up to her neck
Bathed in her brokenness
Said a prayer of gratitude for each chink in the armor
she never knew she needed
Standing broad-shouldered next to her
was a love that was really something,
not just the idea of something.

When she turned to go home,
She heard the echoes of new words
“May your heart remain breakable
But never by the same hand twice”
And even louder:
“without your past,
you could never have arrived-
so wondrously and brutally,
By design or some violent, exquisite happenstance
…here.”

And in the death of her reputation,
She felt truly alive.

-Taylor Swift 

Never has a poem made me feel the way Miss Swift does.

My Oath

My first week of orientation to hospital ended. It was a long week let me tell you. Full of as many ups and downs as I can remember every year being. And more joyous times with people. 

I found that I can be extremely introverted when I’m not comfortable with the people I am around. But because now I’m an adult, I need to suck it up and do my job. Why must I be the only person who can’t be fake nice to their co-workers? It’s an important skill. 

Anyway it got me thinking. At my graduation, I took the medical oath. It was a lot of generic stuff about caring for patients and making sure I make good decisions, etc. 

But I need to take an oath of my own. Something relevant to me. Something I must strive to follow no matter what happens this first year of my being a doctor. And so I will write it on here so I may revisit it to make sure I’m keeping to my oath.

I promise to work hard and give my best without expecting rewards

I promise to hold myself high and trust that I am capable of doing what needs to be done.

I will not let anyone intimidate me into doubting my abilities or knowledge.

I promise to be self aware of my strengths and weaknesses and work on them accordingly. 

I will always take full responsibility for my actions and decisions. I will never blame anyone else for my choices.

I promise to realise when I need help and make sure I seek the right help.

I promise to remember that nothing and no one is worth stressing about, to the point where my mental health and happiness is affected.

I promise to remember that I am here because medicine is my passion and I am good enough to be here.

I will also remember that I have other interests and talents outside of medicine that I must strive to maintain those interests.

I promise to always think of the bigger picture. Not just parts of it. It includes everyone and all their perspectives. 

I promise to uphold my dignity and the dignity of patients and people I deal with.

I will ensure I remain happy. 

And I will strive to ensure my reputation is one I create. 



Here’s to being a functioning doctor and adult in my first year and beyond.