I Wish For Understanding

Don’t know how to start or talk about this. I just wish for understanding. I wish someone would understand me.

I wish I would be able to understand myself

I didn’t get the jobs my family wanted me to get. I am relieved by that which makes me guilty. It makes them sad. I don’t want to make them sad. But I don’t want to go along with their plans.

Some part of me wants a happy family. But I don’t want to give up what I have.

I’m averse to change. That’s wrong. But there are some things I yearn for.

I threw myself into my work. I find happiness in it. I find solace it. The little annoying things are part of what makes it.

I threw myself into work and career to escape the gaps in the rest of my life. Now I can’t give up what I have because it’s become too great a part of me.

I did the same for some people in my life. They’ve become too great a part in my life. I can’t give that up.

But they tell me they like me because I understand them. I make them feel good.

But it never occurs to anyone that I want to be understood too. That I want to feel good.

Nobody seems to get it.

My chest often feels heavy with too much emotion. Guilt, regret, fear, love, sadness, loneliness.

I imagine telling someone about my thoughts, but I keep hearing them feeling sorry for me. Not really understanding me.

But then I break down and actually try to tell someone but they often don’t have enough time to reply or are caught up in their own feelings. And I feel guilty for burdening them.

I want things I shouldn’t want. I do and say things as though I already have those things. But then I get angry when people don’t confine to the things I want or think I have. And that makes me angry. I’m punishing someone else for an idea I created in my own head. I’m trying to sabotage it myself.

I don’t know what I’m doing

I look at myself and I don’t know what I’m doing next. I don’t know what I’m doing now. I want to stop feeling this way but I don’t know what I have to do when virtually everything scares me.

I don’t understand.

I wish for understanding.

In My Head

People always talk about a utopia/dystopia whereby you could read other people’s minds or people would say exactly what they’re thinking to everyone every single moment of every day

People talk about this being ideal and not ideal for various different reasons

But lately I feel like the only thing worse than the scenario above is when I am genuinely trying to convey my feelings and the truth as best as I know how, and the people around me either don’t listen, don’t believe, or don’t want to understand.

You’d think the challenge would be trying to get someone to tell you what they’re feeling. Not having people not wanting to hear what you’re feeling.

Feel like I’m just another one of these clowns at an arcade. Being hit on the head, told to get back in my hole when I try to say something about my feelings

Abdo Pain ?Cause ?Abdominal Migraine

Following on my theme of having a hard time and reflecting on it, I did a thing.

A few weeks ago I got myself admitted to hospital. The hospital I work at. During work hours.

I was just sitting in Medical ED. Just admitting a patient. It was nearly lunchtime.

I had a sudden onset pain in my tummy. It was kinda painful. Kinda gnawing. I figured I was hungry. As all good doctors do, I ignored in and carried on working.

A few minutes passed and the pain got worse. It made me stop what I was doing and move to the tea room to get a glass of water. I felt nauseated. Again, probably just hungry. I’ll just get a glass of water and go get something to eat.

I felt hot. The pain in my tummy worsening. The cafe was a few hundred metres away. I abruptly sat on the couch in the tea room.

A nurse saw me. And as all good nurses do, he began fussing. He said I looked unwell and I should go lie down in the clinic room.

Pain still bad and now finding it difficult to walk, I obliged. Went to the clinic room. Sat down, lay down, pain worsening. Felt restless. The phrase “writhing in pain” came to mind.

But I’m a girl of action. I called my RMO unit and said I can’t complete the rest of my shift because I’m unwell. They wished me all the best. I told myself I would go home.

Big whoops. Couldn’t walk. Pain very bad now. More nurses fussing. Friend who heard my distress on the phone came to see me and began fussing. To my horror they called in MY consultant to assess me. At this point I began vomiting.

He watched me writhe in pain. Suggested I go to ED.

ED saw me and pumped me with 12mg of IV morphine, the approximate recommended dose to flatten an elephant.

I was floating in and out of consciousness. Answered questions. Every time I woke, I was in pain. Pumped with morphine and knocked out. Tests done in my half conscious state.

About 4h later, I was completely pain-free. Asked for some food. I was discharged happily.

My discharge summary arrived in the mail today. Diagnosis: abdo pain ?cause ?abdominal Migraine

Loosely translated that means the pain in my tummy was in my head.

I told one of my friends this story some days after it all happened. He said “that sounds like some good old fashioned stress”

I laughed. Yeah some real “stress” that was.

Until I replayed everything that happened before that day.

I was stressed as heck. I walked into work that morning feeling the worst I ever had. The weekend that had just gone by was traumatic for me. I saw and experienced things that were so confronting to my image of myself that I didn’t know how to deal with it.

A friend and I were waiting for some important, life altering news that day this all happened. I was anxious and scared and sad and I didn’t want to be at work except I had to be at work.

We got good news. The pain had just come on when my friend said he received the good news. But that didn’t make the pain go away.

Maybe it was too late and all that pent up tension was already being released. I’m not sure.

But as quickly as the pain came on, 4h later and a bunch of plum normal investigations, it was gone. And I was left feeling embarrassed for causing all that fuss.

But it was all in my head. I don’t not appreciate the physical manifestations of psychological distress, and I’ve been nauseated and sick before because of depression. But I’ve never experienced anything quite like this.

I realised I have a lot of pent up emotion that’s not going anywhere any time soon.

Things are the most wrong they’ve ever been in my life. But they’re also the most not wrong they’ve ever been. And I don’t know what to do.

Focus on the good things? Yeah. Hope for a change? I guess so.

But ultimately I don’t know. And I don’t know how much more my mind and body can really take.

But I guess I’m in the business of finding out.

But this is a public service announcement. Abdominal migraines are a real thing. Even if it is all in your head.

Lost Love

Today is a sad day.

After 10 years, I had to say goodbye to my dearest Nissan March.

A few days ago on my way home from work, I was rear-ended by a large 4-wheel-drive from behind while I was stopped at a traffic light.

The entire boot of my car was smashed in.

Today my insurance company told me my car had to be written off. And that today was the last time I would ever see my car.

 

I couldn’t explain my feelings at this time.

 

My car was small and efficient. It was cute and orange in colour. It had been through a lot in the last 10 years. I had taken it all over New Zealand pretty much. Other cars had scoffed at it. But my car would drive hundreds of kilometres without a flinch. It had taken many grazes, bumps and crashes. It had survived all this time. And this time wasn’t even my fault.

It has barely been 2 weeks since I last got it WOF checked, serviced and registration renewed. My car passed all of the above. Sturdy and protected me from many events.

Everyone loved my little car. My friends used to identify my presence by seeing my car parked on the road. “The orange car landmark” they used to say,

I had spent hours alone in my car. Singing, laughing, talking and crying. My car was a quiet comfort for all of these things. It took everything I threw at it. Except this.

 

It hurt to say goodbye to my car. It was heartbreaking.

It truly is the end of an era.Nissan_March_K12_001

Adult Friendships

Oh dear. Not a great topic. Not in a great mood.

Right so. I had a family member who had cardiac surgery this week. They came out, having had a successful surgery and recovering well. Quite stressful watching them recover and things. But something else has been on my mind.

One of my friends, my best friend, who I adore, who I’ve known since high school, whose wedding I will be a groomsman at….. I haven’t been talking very much to.

I haven’t hung out with him for about 6 months. We talk now and then. About minor things. When I try to share thoughts about certain issues, he is superficially empathetic. Where he used to be quite amazing and helpful when we were younger. He also doesn’t share his issues with me. We used to talk about basically everything and would help each other out. For some reason we fell out of that habit.

He didn’t show up to my graduation (granted he was in Wellington proposing to his girlfriend) or any of my birthday gatherings. Each time I had told myself I had to be understanding because he was a good friend and he had been there for me several times.

I had told him about my family member having surgery. He had clearly forgotten about the whole thing. Hadn’t really checked in with me or brought it up. And that bothered me a bit.

But it wasn’t just him. None of the friends I had told about this had remembered it was happening. Nobody checked in on me or my family until I had brought it up myself. 

But weirdly, another house officer, someone I had only met this year at work who I had casually mentioned this to, had messaged me on the day of the surgery as well as checked up on me the day after and the day after that. 

I don’t know if this is expecting too much from friends. I really don’t know. I’m willing to understand that people are busy and life really does get in the way. But I just sort of hoped friends would be thoughtful beyond that.

I remember stuff like this and make it a point to check up on my friends. 

So I just don’t know.

It weirdly makes me feel I can’t really count on anyone to understand. 

I mean I have my family who I love and who I can count on. But sometimes, as I’ve mentioned on here, the way they talk about each other and the way they fight all the time makes me lose faith in that too. 

Am I too sensitive? I can’t seem to understand what my role in these things are.

I was once told everything is in flux. Friends don’t last forever blah blah blah. I had said I make friends for life. I guess I’ll always think of people as friends and find happiness in being there for them and doing things for them. But I think I have to realise that it absolutely does not go both ways. And expecting it to, is probably not the best idea.

It’s weird. One of the things that ties me to New Zealand are my friends and the people I know. I wonder now if there’s any point in holding onto that. Maybe it won’t be so bad to just move on. 

I’m unsure if any of them will really be bothered if I left. 

I just don’t know. 

But if this is what adult friendships/ relationships are like, then I’m really not ready. 

Christchurch Massacre

https://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=12213039

It really is a sad day in New Zealand after what happened in Christchurch.

Everyone keeps saying that this is not what New Zealand is about.

People are saying that New Zealand is a safe country. And this is beyond shocking to have happened here in our little country.

What bothers me most is that nowhere in the world is “safe” really.

It’s not the place. It’s the people. It’s the hate that saturates the world everywhere.

One of my friends posted a status on Facebook in relation to today’s incident

“Instead of discussing political debates, spend effort, money and time raising awareness and investing in mental health”

And I couldn’t agree more.

We should be nurturing an environment without blindly assigning blame and hate. One of the reasons people say New Zealand is so safe is because it is incredibly diverse. Everyone should love the differences amongst each other and love what is common, more.

That’s what should be taught to everyone.

It’s about time people started treating each other with respect for whatever it is they are or believe in. Nobody should have the right to hurt anyone else just because they’re different from who they are.

Every single person hurt in Christchurch today was unfairly and unnecessarily victimised.

I hope things calm down in Christchurch, and humanity everywhere moves forward.

PTSD/PGTSD

I feel weird.

Have you heard of PTSD? Post traumatic stress disorder?

It’s a psychiatric condition whereby a person had witnessed or been involved in a traumatic event, and in the days, weeks, months following, they experience distressing symptoms relating to the event.

Flashbacks where they relive the event over and over, a phenomenon where it feels like they are literally transported back in time to that event.

Nightmares featuring the event and possible sub-events or other outcomes relating to that event.

Avoidance behaviours, They try to avoid places or people directly related to said event.

 

Why do I bring this up? I think I have something of this sort.

No traumatic event, thankfully. Well yeah I’ve had traumatic stuff happen to me, but at the moment, I’m having flashbacks about a good time.

Is that weird?

I have been having literal flashbacks about a time period/event/thing that was really good. The reason is, it’s not good anymore. Maybe that’s why?

It was my graduation day. It was the day sort of before and after my graduation. I keep remembering how content/hopeful I was. Things happened over those days that I know won’t happen again.

Now I am sad. But my brain keeps replaying those days over and over in my dreams and in my day dreams.

I. Don’t. Know. Why.

I think my mind is broken right now. It’s really not functioning very well. I may as well be an automaton.

I wonder if it’s just my brain’s way of processing some of the yucky things happening now. But I can’t figure out why I keep thinking about those few days.

The reason it’s worrying is because I am kind of yearning to go back to those few days. And feel okay and content and hopeful. I don’t have any of those feelings currently. It’s almost like things now have undone all those good feelings back then. And yearning is definitely not a good thing. It’s hard to deal with because it’s a continuous cycle of oh man that’s in the past and it’s never coming back. And things now aren’t going to be that good.

Which is not a good state to be in.

So I guess this is a weird reversed PTSD? Like a PGTSD? Post good things stress disorder?

I don’t know. This doesn’t make much sense. I am very tired.

Remorse

I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry

I’m so sorry.

……………….

“Yeah that’s not enough”

 

…..Well then what is?

………………

“Living through the devastation that is far too great to live through.”

The Flow

These days, I’m just going with flow.

If I have to cry 5 times a day, I will cry 5 times a day.

If I have to feel bad about myself, I will feel bad about myself.

If I have to be lonely, I will be lonely.

If I’m not able to sleep regardless of how tired I am, I will stay awake and ruminate.

If I don’t have the appetite for more than half a sandwich for a whole day, I will keep going while hungry. 

If I have to have anxiety attacks during the day, I will freak out quietly in the bathroom. 

I’m not trying to resist anymore.

I’m not trying.

Everything that’s happening to me is either completely in my control, or completely out of my control. 

I created this karma. 

I accept that. 

So there’s nothing to do but go with the flow.