Auroras And Italian Food

Posted on by abracadabra25

So just want to talk about a really nice evening.

I’ve been keeping my head down, studying, preparing, counting down for my exam in a few weeks’ time. So Nat decided to check in and remind me to take a breather and relax. I also wanted to check in with her as she prepares for her exam, later in the year.

She decided we should catch up and have a nice dinner. At her choice, we went to a lovely Italian restaurant.

Italian food holds a bit of taboo for me these days. I haven’t actually been to an Italian restaurant in the longest time.

But gosh darn it, I was reminded why I used to love Italian food so much. Something about the rich flavours and combination of purely comfort ingredients, and the diversity of the cuisine just ticks all the boxes for a lovely meal with a friend.

I also have an obsession with panna cotta as a dessert. Can’t think of a more comforting smooth, luscious, yet fun dessert. And this restaurant really got it right.

Nat really had rekindled my love for Italian food. We spent the evening scheming for the future and laughing about everything. I was super content.

And just when I thought the evening couldn’t get any better, it turned out NZ is experiencing an unexpected time of Aurora Australis being visible. And I was fortunate enough, on my walk home to see the sky light up in an amazing way. I, of course didn’t have my Canon camera on me so had to hastily take a photo of the magical moment on my phone. But I’ve got to admit, the Southern Lights are really something else. Even in low resolution.

It really feels like the stars are aligning for me. Just being grateful for these little moments of joy.

How Did It Make You Feel?

Posted on by abracadabra25

Take a moment to check in with yourself.

Check in with how you’re feeling.

Take a deep breath in from your diaphragm. Feel your abdomen expanding. Really breathe. Then release all the air in you. Breathe all the way out. Feel your heart rate come down.

Don’t respond straight away. Breathe once, breath twice, breathe up to ten times.

Now think about the situation. How did it make you feel?

Did it make you feel happy? If it did, don’t fight it. Just let it flow. If it made you happy, do it again. Don’t let it be a one time thing.

Did it make you angry? If it did, let it flow, but not for too long. Let it out, then let it go. File it in your mind under ‘miscellaneous’ and try to forget all about it.

Did it make you feel sad? Let that flow too. Don’t hold it in, don’t ignore it. Allow it to consume you just enough to know for sure why you feel the way you feel. Then watch the feeling pass by. Let it pass you by.

Did it make you feel confused? Think on it. Think on it until you’ve thought of every reason why it made you feel confused. But don’t try to figure it out. Don’t try to change it. Do you want to ask for someone else to decode it for you? Or do you want to stand in this space where only you and the situation exist? That requires an awful lot of strength. To get everyone else’s opinion in the world to decode your feeling is an option. Another option is to feel comfortable enough and trust yourself enough to know you’re feeling something and allowing yourself to work it out and respond authentically how you want to respond. And in that space, there is no right or wrong. There is only you, your feelings and the situation.

Did it make you feel anxious? Did it make you doubt everything and worry about what will happen? Take a deep breath. And another. And another. Leave the situation behind. Go out. Move. Walk. Just leave the space for a bit. Let the feeling raise the alarm bells telling you to GTFO. And actually physically get out. That’s sometimes so hard to do. To get out of a situation that actually paralyzes you. But if you can, the best thing in the world to do when the fire alarm goes off in your mind, is to evacuate the premises.

Did you actually feel nothing at all? Take a moment to really check on that. Because it’s absolutely okay. There’s no right or wrong in that. If you’re capable of feeling everything, you’re allowed to feel the absolute absence of feeling. And maybe you’ll realise the situation wasn’t as important to you as you might have thought. And that’s also important to acknowledge.

It’s important to check in with your feelings. Always important. Feelings aren’t facts. But they give you very clear directions of where to go and what to do. Don’t ignore them, don’t disrespect them. But don’t let them carry you. Don’t let them become you. Simply let them guide you.

Further Loss

Posted on by abracadabra25

I think I had mentioned in an earlier post how it feels like a lot of people I know are suddenly and unexpectedly passing away. And I have just enough time to recover from one before going on to the next.

Well, it happened again.

My dad’s youngest brother passed away unexpectedly.

I have scattered memories of my uncle. A gentle giant. Or so he had seemed when I was so small that everything around me was big. I recall riding in the back seat of his rickshaw as he drove us around the block purely for the ride. I remember him bringing all sorts of gifts for my arrival whenever my family would visit. I remember him taking my sister and me out for ice cream simply because it was hot. I remember his smile and kind words.

it’s very strange to think he’s gone. The youngest of my paternal uncles. My father’s youngest brother.

I talk about my perception of people I know passing away. But I cannot imagine my father’s plight. Being the eldest of his family, and only in the last two years, having already lost 2 of his brothers, to have this happen again, now, is a feeling I’m not sure I’ll be able to comprehend.

Eerily, I’ve lost all my uncles consecutively over the last 2 years. It’s hard to explain this combination of feelings.

But it’s harder still, to feel helpless for my father going through the loss of his brothers. While he lives on, healthily. Halfway around the world from where his brothers were.

Supporting someone through loss never gets easier. It’s different every time and it’s different for every person. I had very little to say to my father this time around after already suffering the loss of his other brothers so recently.

I sat next to him, simply holding his hand. My mother and sister tried to say a lot of things, and my dad tried to respond. But I simply sat. Feeling the pressure with which he was holding my hand increase and decrease as the minutes ticked by. It occurred to me that he was reigning in a lot of emotions. Possibly out of force of longstanding habit.

It’s very hard to be the sort of person who always hides your emotions. It’s taught relentlessly to everyone to be stoic. But that can be so damaging. Knowing this, I knew there was very little I could do to change this situation. And so I continued to sit with my dad until my mum left the room.

He then looked over at me and hugged me tightly. Probably the most emotion he’d ever show about anything.

This human construct is one I’ve had to deal with a lot lately. Supporting someone through loss, dealing with loss. I wish there was some easy way to deal with all of this. But there just simply isn’t. Perhaps easier to cry or be sad in a more obvious way? Not many people actually do that. Everyone tries really hard to keep their emotions in and seem strong. Maybe that’s the way to cope. But I sometimes wish it were all simpler than that. And it were more acceptable to grieve openly, the way you want to. The way you should when something dear is ripped away from you abruptly and finally.

Having said this, I also did not weep in front of him. Or my mum. I promised myself the last time I cried in front of someone and they humiliated me for it, that I would never again cry in front of another human. I’ll never let anyone know they got to me. Now, I cry alone. In my room, or on a walk or drive. Reigning the strongest emotions in me more strongly. Never letting anyone know they got to me.

I also write about it instead. And so I will mourn my late uncle alone, and to myself. But I will be there any way I can, for my dad.

Music In Me

Posted on by abracadabra25

Just wanted to take a moment, to be in the moment.

It’s hard to explain this, but after being quiet for so long, after making all the changes I’ve needed to make, after taking back control of my life..

I finally feel like things are going my way.

I finally feel safe.

It’s been the longest time since I’ve sung at the top of my lungs, I’ve strummed hard on my guitar.

For the first time in the longest time, I’m spinning in circles, dancing to the music in me.

I’m skipping along wherever I go, to the rhythm of life.

And even though everything is uncertain and frightening, I’m still skipping along like no one can stop me.

I feel powerful and free. I feel that spirit that had been tarnished for so long, the one that is whole, full of colour and sound, and words and laughter and love and infinite space.

I feel it strong and clear as it threatens to drown out all the weaker demons.

I can’t hear the noise when all I can hear is the music, loud and piercing. It’s a melody, a tone, a rhythm, a beat, a voice all at once.

It’s a song of spirit, of mind, of soul, of power, of love, of peace.

Peace and balance inside and out.

It carries me away far and wide. It guides me only towards bright lights and vast oceans and rolling fields.

Until I feel like my feet aren’t touching the ground anymore.

I finally feel.. like me.

You Did Nothing Wrong

Posted on by abracadabra25

It’s always funny when people try to console others when bad things happen by saying “you did nothing wrong” or “it wasn’t your fault” or “you didn’t deserve that”.

Not exactly “ha-ha” funny, but funny that people think that’s comforting.

‘Funny’ because I guess that’s on the assumption that if bad things happen to you, it must have been self-inflicted.

I guess a lot of people believe that if you do bad things, bad things will happen. And if you do good things or are a good person, then anything that happens isn’t your fault.

I just wonder why people think it’s important to establish cause and effect with things that happen.

Suppose you’re standing on the side of the street on a rainy day, and a car goes by and splashes you from a large puddle. And you are now soaking wet despite being armed with a Blunt umbrella. Nine times out of ten, you’d be quite upset. Maybe angry. Maybe blaming or cursing the driver of the car. But would you ever question whether what had happened was your fault? Would you need someone to tell you you did nothing wrong in that situation?

Probably not. It just happened. You didn’t self-inflict that incident.

But it also didn’t stop you from being upset/angry/cursing the driver because you’re the one that was affected.

So why do people feel like they need to be reassured that they have done nothing wrong when someone yells at them/abuses them/bullies them?

Is that stemming from a place of insecurity? Or is it a coping mechanism?

If you say enough times, “That’s a YOU problem, not a ME problem,” does it hurt less? Does it take the pain away?

I’d have to say no.

It doesn’t matter whose problem it is when at the end of the day the person that got hurt was the one that ended up suffering. So, really, that is a ‘ME’ problem.

People try to pretend that getting upset is a “choice.” 

Maybe it can be, but I’m not sure you can always make that choice. You can become reasonably immune to certain kinds of hurt if it comes from somewhere or from someone who you don’t care too much about. But if the hurt comes from a place that you value, being upset is no longer a “choice.”

I’ve been yelled at a lot. Actually, that should be present tense. I am yelled at a lot. By a lot of people whom I value. And while I’ve adopted a strong “it be like that sometimes” attitude, it still does get to me. Stemming from my deep feelings of insecurity.

So when people try to console me, they say, “You did nothing wrong” to deserve being yelled at. And I think to myself, well I didn’t think I had done anything wrong, and I know I didn’t ask to be treated that way.

But it doesn’t help the hurt.

Some people probably do feel reassured when they get told something wasn’t their fault, etc. And that’s good. But the reality of it is that that alone isn’t enough to rectify the damage done. Nor will it prevent the incident from ocurring again.

You want to feel like what happened was outside your control, and somehow, that gives you a sense of control?

It’s just funny.

TTPD Quotes

Posted on by abracadabra25

Lucky you. You get to read about me gushing about Taylor Swift yet again.

But holy moly what a time to be alive. If you haven’t heard the album yet, get amongst. The Tortured Poets Department is an album that captures so many aspects of the human condition above and beyond what your standard breakup album would provide.

Primed for 4pm, AA, R and I were ready to get really into our feelings and then 2 hours later sent each other screaming texts when TS released the second instalment of the album!

31 songs later, we just couldn’t get over ourselves. R said TS is singing perfectly accurately about someone we know. AA said we can all apply these songs to life and people we know.

For me, TS has done something so incredible. As someone who thinks words are never enough to capture feelings (that being why a lot of my writing is so long. As I try to compensate by using more words to capture my feelings), what TS does is amazing. She has such a unique way of capturing feelings in words perfectly. And not a lot of words. The poetry she writes makes sense. The words do jump right off the page and into the centre of your soul. Driving home listening to her album had me laughing out loud like a maniac, become very still inside, and even though I don’t outright cry at songs, I could feel myself coming very close to feeling like I would cry as her words hit me like bricks.

The haunting melodies composed along with her voice singing with the emotions she hoped to convey takes you far far away to some place where things aren’t difficult, they aren’t confusing. They are just raw and pure and right in front of you.

In her description of the album itself, she talks about how there’s nothing more to be had of this chapter now that she’s written and sung about it. And I love that. Being able to heal by turning your wounds into art is one of the most profound things you can do. An artist will always turn their feelings into art. Which is the most wonderful outlet for feelings both good and bad. Turning the intangible into tangible.

And so after two days of listening intently, I have compiled some of my favourite lyrics so far:

And I’m pissed off you let me give you my youth for free.

I cry a lot but I’m so productive, it’s an art.

I haven’t come around in so long but I’m making a comeback to where I belong.

All of this to say I hope you’re okay but you’re the reason.

I don’t cater to all these Vipers dressed in empath’s clothing.

You don’t get to tell me about sad.

Put narcotics into all my songs that’s why you still sing along

And you deserve prison but you won’t get time.

I built a legacy that you can’t undo

And in plain sight you hid, but you are what you did.

I used to be tame but the circus life made me mean.

Vibes Are Strong

Posted on by abracadabra25

Always enjoy catching up with Dr. ZR. Having become somewhat of a mentor to me both at work and outside of it, she asked to catch up with me after running into me at work.

She told me she felt like I needed to catch up with her.

I thoroughly enjoy people who are a bit unconventional with their thinking. Dr. ZR thrives on positivity and being more in touch with the abstract things in life.

Upon catching up with me, she heard about the things I was currently going through and wasted no time in reassuring me that everything was going to turn out well.

”You are absolutely on the right track, A, I can feel it. The vibes are very strong. You’ve cut out all that drama and it needs to stay cut out, you need to put yourself in the centre of all of this and you’ll have that moment very soon where just like in the Matrix, it’ll all make sense to you. The zeros and ones will just fall into place and you’ll realise that this all a game and you just have to play to win.”

As she talked, it occurred to me how powerful words can be. I left her office feeling so much better than I had in days. It’s really special to have that uplifting effect on people.

It’s important to have people who think a bit laterally, sometimes. Who just believe that things will be okay and help manifest that. She told me she believed “the stars will all just align for me.”

People like ZR, they don’t say nice things to just “be nice”. They don’t say nice things to be tactful. They say nice things because they have humility and believe that there’s something more out there, bigger than life, to believe in.

That’s a super important quality to have, I think.

It was a special reminder to have of all the good support I have at the moment.

Keeping the vibes strong.

Resignation

Posted on by abracadabra25

I just handed in my resignation letter to my employer.

This is so weird.

If you had told me 6 years ago that I would be resigning from my job as a doctor, I wouldn’t have believed you.

Actually, I would’ve cried and screamed and refused to do it.

But I’m in a different place in my life right now. And this, is probably the right thing to do.

I no longer feel like I belong in Auckland.

My home since I was 8 years old. I can’t live here anymore.

Might be really weird. Wondering why. I’ve agonised over this decision since I moved back from Palmerston North.

Everything in Auckland seems ill-fitting. I’m haunted by practically every corner of this city.

H used to say he left Auckland for Dunedin all those years ago because he wanted to get away from all the trauma that the people who had bullied and abused him had caused.

I don’t think he ever imagined he would end up creating the same situation for me. But I genuinely do not feel safe in Auckland anymore.

Four years ago, when I was faced with a similar situation where it looked like I would be moving out of Auckland, H told me not to do it. He told me he couldn’t face life without me around. I had felt exactly the same way. He told me he would never want me to leave. And I believed that and held onto it for so long. And so I made an effort and decided not to move.

We had a plan. A picture of where we wanted life to go over the next few years. Now, when I think about that picture, it feels unfamiliar. After everything that has happened with H, after losing him, that picture makes no sense.

It’s like a puzzle with a piece missing. But not just a piece from the side or the corner, wherein the picture still makes sense without it. More like a piece missing from exactly the middle. Without it, the puzzle and the picture it depicts has no meaning.

I’ve been dealing with complex-PTSD for a while now. My therapist described this phenomenon to me a few months ago when I told her about how sticky I felt my mind was, playing and replaying situations in my head, triggered by very small things, reminding me vividly of events in my past. My heart races, I become short of breath, I feel physically uncomfortable as I hear the voices in my head of the events that took place. I thought it was just my mind that behaved this way. She explained that the difficult things I had gone through were like bits of trauma that built up over time and those little reminders are in fact triggers to relive traumatic experiences. That this is actually a well-recognised phenomenon. She helped me recognise the triggers and the emotions I go through. She gave me tools to deal with them but acknowledged with me that there are so many triggers in my daily life in Auckland to make me relive a lot of difficult instances for a long time to come.

And honestly, that scares me.

I’ve made solid attempts to rework negative experiences into positive ones in different parts of this city. But there are some core memories and events that took place that I can’t get away from unless I’m not physically confronted by them.

I can no longer stand to be around the place where I was accused by H of maliciously puncturing his car tyre. Or when he told me I sucked all the air out of a room. Or when I was sabotaged for a job. Or even walk the same places I had walked alone being told practically every day over and over that I’m not worth any time or effort or that there was something seriously wrong with me. And how everyone was better than I was.

It might feel a bit like running away, but I’m okay with that. H had told me he didn’t find a lot of escape by leaving Auckland and eventually returned and was able to carry on living life.

Maybe it will be the same for me. Maybe it won’t. I found immense relief on leaving Auckland briefly to Palmerston North.

But I know, just leaving town won’t be good enough. No matter where I go, people ask about us. They ask me how things are going, and it’s like in that moment, having swallowed a hundred bees. I’m tired of having to smile and say things are fine when everything in me is on fire.

I really can’t do it anymore.

What does this mean for me? It means leaving not only my hometown but also leaving the country. Starting over somewhere new, finding new job prospects, making new connections, it’s all frightening and daunting.

My job, my dreams and hopes for the future, my friends, all of these things are super important to me. And it’s incredibly confronting to have to leave all of that behind.

But my peace of mind, has to matter more. My world can no longer be as small as it had been a few years ago, stuck in the confines of Auckland is all I had ever known. My world is bigger than that. And it has to have more in it without constantly reliving the awful things I’ve been through.

It’s incredibly scary, incredibly confronting. But I don’t know that I have much choice.

Go Far Far Away

Posted on by abracadabra25

Alright well, carrying my burnout, my feelings of grief and my confusion about making an imminent big decision that is going to change the trajectory of my life, was getting very heavy.

So I needed to take a break.

I’m on leave and decided to skip town. Skip the country.

Wind up in Sunny Sydney.

There is something to be said for solo travelling. If you haven’t done it before, I would highly recommend it.

The amount of freedom this provides is unparalleled.

Yes, definitely when experiences are shared with others, people you care about, it’s immensely wonderful. But equally wonderful is seeing sights on your own, enjoying music on your own, working on your own schedule and exploring at your pace. Enjoying your own company, is priceless.

If you are alone and miserable, then you are certainly in bad company.

My friend, J, asked if I was going with anyone. I told him boldly that I’m fun on my own. And he said loudly, “Thank goodness!”.

It really do be like that sometimes.

You do need to have absolute time to yourself for experiences.

Eerily, I’m in Sydney the same time of year that I had been here 5 years ago. At this crux of my life, a very different place to where I was then, and ironically as I stand to make a huge decision, it’s weird that the turn of time has brought me back to Sydney on my own.

I’ll make a separate post about that. I just need some time to process the decision I’ve made, and be comfortable with it.

But meanwhile, I enjoyed the sights of Sydney. Conveniently, there was a fireworks show I got to attend on my getaway. It seemed almost symbolic. After feeling lousy the past few weeks, this was a high point. It was uplifting.

The weather was less than ideal for my drone, unfortunately. But I did get to flex my new camera.

The part of Sydney I was staying in was reasonably central. But it was also the queer part of town. And I just loved that. I loved being surrounded by rainbows everywhere you look, beautiful murals, and that positive energy that comes simply from people celebrating being their authentic selves.

There were many a cafe I walked into playing Taylor Swift on repeat, and the posters for the Eras tour also just made me smile.

I met some lovely new people on my trails, shared some great stories and just tried to pick up my mindset.

I also spared myself uber costs and walked practically everywhere. Pushing 20,000 steps daily is also a big flex.

My hotel was surrounded by tall buildings, and that nighttime city scene that fills you with wonder. The kind that never sleeps. The kind you can just sit around and watch for hours.

I also ran into a friend on a trip with her partner in Sydney, coincidentally. Being the lovely person that she is, she even invited me to meet her partner and asked that we sit together on the flight back to Auckland. Which was quite nice of her.

I think it does help, to get some perspective. To go far far away until it feels like you can see all the mountain tops differently.

It helps to remember to keep going. And hope for the best.

In Loving Memory

Posted on by abracadabra25

I hope you are somewhere better.

I hope there’s eternal warmth there. A comfort most of us would only dream about.

I hope you’re always smiling. I hope it’s filled with only good things.

But I also hope…. you look down and see him.

I hope you think of him as much as he thinks of you.

I hope you smile down at him. And when you do, I hope there is a soft breeze that brushes against him.

I hope when the sun beats down on him, you provide a bit of shade.

I hope when it rains, you show where he can be sheltered.

I hope when the wind blows, you protect him. Cover him like a scarf. Let him feel the warmth of your presence.

I hope you know how much he thinks of you. I hope you know how much he did and all he wanted for you.

I’m sure you knew.

I hope when he’s feeling down, you send him reminders to stay strong and keep going.

I hope when he is happy, you’ll rejoice with the light of a thousand suns.

I hope you’ll always be proud of him.

But most of all….. I hope you always let him know you’ll be with him and that he is not alone.

………………………………..

As I sit here, watching the jasmine flowers bobbing away in the water, getting smaller and further away from me, it occurs to me how peculiar it is the way humans experience loss.

Tears roll down my cheeks. As I weep for the first time in months today. Thinking about loss.

It’s slightly different every time you lose something or someone. It’s different for every person.

It’s almost inexplicable sometimes. The way each person experiences loss. For me, as I mourn a person who I barely knew, simply because they were a part of my life for a few pivotal, crucial years, it occurs to me how powerful an impact some people can have on your life.

I remember spending many days praying, hoping, wishing they would get better. I remember being involved, waiting anxiously for updates on their progress.

I remember trying to console as much as I could, the most important person in the world to me, as they lost the most important person to them.

I think about how the jasmine flowers in my garden bloom around this time of year. Specifically today, almost reminding me to do this.

“You act like someone died,” they say to me.

I think about how it’s been nearly a year since I lost the most important person in the world to me. How weird that feels. How I always thought people exaggerated when they say “I think about them every day”. But truly, not a day goes by where I do not feel the sense of loss. It’s not always so prominent. But it’s always there. Like the sun being hidden by clouds some days. But it’s still there.

It’s important to remember, though. In the loving memories I have, of them. It may be in the past. But it was real. And so I’ll not forget this day, ever. I won’t forget her, or him.